| Dianne | Posted: 20 April 2013 - 11:38 AM |
I had to walk away and decided to start a new topic. The cleaning is now getting to the hard stuff for me. Not just tossing obvious trash. Not just sorting and getting some things put away. Now I'm getting to the real deal ~ stuff that has been really damaged. I was going thru a pile in the upper hall. Laundry that I had tossed to do in no hurry. Well the cats have used it as a litter box. Really bugs me because we keep their boxes clean and bugs me even more that my sense of smell is obviously gone. I threw it into a garbage bag and took it to the laundry room. I started to go thru and pull off dried poop and shake out dust and fur. I did throw away 2 shower curtains that were over 30 years old. Other stuff is badly stained. Towels, shorts, t-shirts. This conversation started in my head. These things are so badly stained it will never come out. But you could try. But even with the hottest water and stain remover it won't. Do you really want to spend all that effort to get out stains and use up time you could be doing regular laundry? But it's good stuff. But do you really want to wear that against your skin even after you wash it? But I love these towels. If you loved them you would have taken care of them. But I can't replace those, they're part of a set and some of the others are clean in the linen closet. Some of these towels are Laura Ashley and they remind you of when Buffy was little and used them in her bathroom. You can't ever replace those. Well you just threw out the matching shower curtains. It was like I was outside myself and I was the person in one of the hoarding shows saying but I can still use that while the rational person holds up the disgusting thing and says throw it out. So I'm throwing 90% out. I'll try washing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and one pair of socks that don't look too bad. The carpet runner underneath has pee smells and dried poop. When I lifted it the smell was beyond rank and the hardwood floor is ruined. Now I'm facing the mental things that I always try to push under. I'm an asshole, no wonder my husband left, how could I let this happen, I'm beyond irresponsible, I'm not a grown-up, I'm stupid, I have to hide, why the hell can't I take care of things, if the neighbors knew that the outside looks so nice but the inside is so gross I'd be like one of those people on tv..."oh she seemed so nice, we never thought that could happen here...". Two houses in the neighborhood are for sale, I saw the pics and they are gorgeous. So I think why the hell couldn't I have kept up my home? When I sell it will have to be as something to gut and remodel. I've blown the money that was supposed to come from the sale by destroying the house. Who does that except a total loser? Everybody was right about me growing up. I was different, didn't fit in, blah, blah, blah. Shit I hate myself and that is just one little area. Ok so that is my rant. It's gonna get ugly ladies. Every time I need a break from the really bad stuff I will post it here. I'm embarrassed, I'm disgusted, I'm pissed. But I'd rather be pissed than crying. Anger gives me energy. | |
Replies (197)
| Dianne | Posted: 20 July 2013 - 09:22 AM |
This morning I had a mini breakdown. Last evening I watched an episode of Hoarders. I haven't seen one in a long time. They always make me feel bad and are a little scary in that I see myself and think I'll never *get better*. So this morning I called one of my brothers and asked him to come see every room in my house. He's been here in the past few years but not completely thru it. I invited my sister-in-law too but she has her niece and nephew and I said no to bringing them. So she'll come tomorrow. I'm already regretting it. We spoke briefly about my need for help but my need to keep people at a distance too. My brothers are really great guys and when I asked this one if he could leave me alone if/when I ask him to he said he could. I don't think I can let anybody work side by side with me. I see how stressful it is for the hoarders on tv and how frustrating it is for the helpers. Sometimes I feel fairly strong and just plug along but I'm so afraid if someone pushed me I would just totally fold in on myself. I don't know what's worse ~ thinking I might not survive the emotional pain of clearing at a faster pace than I'm ready for or continuing to live with the deception that is inside my so-called home. When Laura is here I keep my emotions in check because I don't want her to be upset. I am the only person she can really depend on. But now that I'm alone I'm crying a lot. She says if she didn't have the animals to care for she'd have no purpose in life. I'm kind of the same way. I love the routine they provide for us, the responsibility of making sure they are well taken care of. I just don't know how to transfer that sense of caring over to me and my daughter. I'm very thankful you guys are here to listen, give hugs and encourage without the actual physical pushing. Having hope and never giving up are good things. But actual accomplishment has to be part of the equation too. I don't want to die as an old woman still trying but mostly failing. | |
| Roxie | Posted: 13 July 2013 - 02:04 PM |
How come no updates here? 🙁 | |
| Roxie | Posted: 06 July 2013 - 03:16 PM |
Feeling beligerant (dare I say demand resistant?) today about doing anything productive, but from experience I suspect I will rally at some point and do something. I see those two non-acid boxes awaiting my work on sorting photographs into them. That is actually something I look forward to doing, but the boxes remain on the kitchen floor where I put them after unpacking them. I've been doing ancestry dot com and hope to scan some family photos and add them to the site. I actually discovered distant relatives through photographs and write-ups they've done on their own (shared with me) ancestors. Way cool. | |
| diane | Posted: 05 July 2013 - 01:12 AM |
Yes Roxie, I am happy to know you did it, thanks for letting me know all that you did, now I can celebrate, hooray | |
| Roxie | Posted: 04 July 2013 - 10:10 PM |
Diane, you'll be happy to know I rounded up sheets and blanket and washed them and put them on the bed plus folded up the extra. Yes! Tomorrow I will shoot for doing a load of clothes. I also brushed my teeth, put away clean dishes from the day before, and picked up some debris for the garbage. I also found a tiny kitten, an orange tabby, apparently being mothered by the Tortie girl. It's sitting by my back steps and mom was very watchful of me when I pick it up, cuddled and kissed it. So maybe each of my girls have one baby each. Same age. Just adorable. If I am lucky and they are, when they are about 5-6 weeks old I will kidnap them, bring them inside to socialize them, and see if I can move them on to loving forever homes. Then of course I 'll have to get serious about doing more trapping and spaying or neutering. Watched tv tonight and now for a little video game. Night to all. | |
| diane | Posted: 03 July 2013 - 02:18 PM |
hello all, Roxie so happy to hear you got things done, and are going to get laundry in basket ready to wash, are you washing today too? | |
| Roxie | Posted: 03 July 2013 - 02:05 PM |
Hi, Leo, nice to meet you. So, I did round up the garbage and get it out for pickup. I dragged my feet on that until 1:00 a.m. I also picked up all the paper plates outdoors from which I feed the feral colony. And I emptied out a laundry basket and brought it indoors. It sits on the kitchen floor, of course. So now I have to take it with me and collect dirty laundry, which I will do. So that's a start... | |
| Dianne | Posted: 03 July 2013 - 07:29 AM |
haha Leo, I am the same way!! So much so that my daughter said she never wants to inherit those rugs because it drove her crazy the way I was always combing out that fringe with my fingers. I got tired of it too and just rolled some up and put them in the garage. 🙂 | |
| Leo | Posted: 02 July 2013 - 06:57 PM |
Hey there Roxi,I ask myself those same questions, I am anal about fringe rugs being straight so I had to get rid of them. Go figure! | |
| Roxie | Posted: 02 July 2013 - 05:21 PM |
Well, the benefit to me of my post of yesterday is that it focused my attention so I know what I need to do next and what to think about in terms of actually coming to terms with some of this learning of new ways. Hmph. In reading Matt Paxton's book, I note that he sees evidence of traumas or a series of traumas involved in each hoarder's situation. I believe that to be true, also. For me I think it was a series with the final coup being the lynch mob at the cat shelter. The ungrateful wretches! 😀 | |
| Dianne | Posted: 01 July 2013 - 10:10 AM |
Roxie, many times I have thought you were me. This confirms it!! Hang in there sister, we'll figure it out. {{{HUGS}}} | |
| Roxie | Posted: 01 July 2013 - 09:51 AM |
Okay, I woke up just blathering to myself, so here it comes: Why is that blazer jacket I set on the end of my bed, and which later fell off, still laying on the floor three weeks later? Why are the two bags of donation books still beside the bed and not in the car to go to donation site? Why is the broom and the mop bucket still sitting in the same spot in the kitchen three days later, the mop bucket still with soapy water? Why in two months cannot I force myself to sweep and mop the kitchen floor? Why have I not run a load of laundry in weeks, even when my sheets need cleaning and I'm running out of clean clothes? Why do I turn a blind eye, ignore, delete from awareness, neglect things so much? Why did I envision myself making beef stew at home, buy the ingredients, then let the beef sit in the fridge so long it went bad? I have a "one back" system for coffee and coffee supplies (keep one backup on hand). Why do I not do the same for cat food since it always becomes a problem? What is WRONG with me? Why do I hate making phone calls and asking for service people to come and do anything? How can I ignore an overflowing trash bag, instead of putting it in the garbage and putting a nice new bag in? It's right there. I see it every day. So why don't I take action? Why do I have dirty clothes on the floor instead of a laundry basket? Why do I fail to wash the laundry basket so I can put dirty clothes in it? Why, when I've cleaned and polished 3/4 of my china closet, haven't I finished it and put away the supplies? It's been weeks. Why did I order live plants if I haven't even planted them yet? Why have I not picked up used paper plates where I feed the feral cats? I know I'm supposed to pick them up once a day. Why is it so hard for me to care for myself that I have to use a checklist and bribe myself to brush my teeth once a day? For the first 50 years of my life, none of this was ever an issue. What happened to me? Why why why? | |
| diane | Posted: 30 June 2013 - 01:20 PM |
Roxie did you get them planted? If not, I will hold my breath until you put them in the ground!! The snap dragon I planted took less than 2 minutes, and I thought about it for more than 2 minutes daily for over a week, Nike is right, Just Do It!!!! Not sure why we can't just do things when we see it needs to be done. Happy you got plants that will look good and sooner you get them planted, better chance of survival. Tough to hold my breath this long, go plant, please!! | |
| Roxie | Posted: 30 June 2013 - 11:52 AM |
Diane, the shrubs are a hydrangea and a mountain laurel. The foundation plantings in front my house (North facing) are too little and too scraggly. I dislike things like barberry that are prickly (just as I dislike hair spray because of how hair feels when sprayed). And trying to find plants that suit the shade/light situation has been difficult. Hopefully these will survive and thrive. | |
| diane | Posted: 29 June 2013 - 11:44 PM |
Roxie, so glad you keep writing about planting, finally planted a poor snap dragon today that has Hope you get some good sleep | |
| Roxie | Posted: 29 June 2013 - 04:07 PM |
I did get the poor shrubs unboxed and watered, very late last night or early this morning. I was up all night again, slept most of the day. Yesterday I watched on computer "Britain's Biggest Hoarders" and "Consumed." Very different hoarding programs but both informative and interesting. I've learned I can do dishes and such while watching... run hot water and fill the sink...watch the video...pause the video and do a bunch of dishes, add more dirty dishes to the water...etc. until the dishes are done. I can also do other chores in bits while watching video or tv or surfing the net. Just breaking it down into very small pieces. Hugs to all. | |
| Roxie | Posted: 28 June 2013 - 04:55 PM |
The rather large shrubs I ordered that are still in their box... I noted leaves peeping out of carry holes, so I opened the top of the box. I really must open the entire box and water those poor boogers. I recall one is a hydrangea but forget what the other is. They are meant for the front of the house which is fairly bare under the windows (this is a rancher). | |
| Tillie | Posted: 27 June 2013 - 10:05 PM |
AnneW, | |
| AnneW | Posted: 27 June 2013 - 12:40 PM |
Roxie -- I just L-O-V-E reading your posts (to everyone, not just me)! You are a woman whose well of wisdom runs DEEP =) How did you sleep last night, Roxie? Hi, Tillie -- Until your youtube links post the other day, I never even thought to look for hoarding help on YouTube!!! Thanks for sharing the links & the inspiration 🙂 Hope your day is full of fresh blooms & colorful blossoms! Congratulations, again, AnneL!!! -- I can't wait to hear more after you have a chance to catch your breath 😉 Hi, Diane, Dianne, Mariana, Karl, Billie, Green, MayMay, Kara, Sally, & EVERYBODY 🙂 Keep at that clutter-clearing & posting!!! I look forward to reading each of your posts =D | |
| Roxie | Posted: 26 June 2013 - 09:51 AM |
AnneW, I think they call the list that comes after you finish the day's work is the "ta da" list (as opposed to the "to do" list), which may be what works best for you. You can play with that a little and see. It seems from your post that the ta da list you did helped ground you in the reality of what you actually accomplished, which is so important to helping you keep moving forward. When dealing with a hoard or squalor, small amounts of work may not show all that well, but the truth is that it is work and it is moving forward. You move a mountain one scoop at a time, right? Yes, the battle is regrouping and taking another step or two or three forward. And their are setbacks, but hopefully reading and posting daily will help us all keep on making progress and maintaining what we have achieved. Hugs | |
| Tillie | Posted: 25 June 2013 - 07:17 PM |
AnneW WAY TO GO!!!! WOOHOO!!! | |
| AnneW | Posted: 25 June 2013 - 05:37 PM |
So yesterday & today, I got another "dose" of reality re: some days I'm just not gonna feel that "great" about this process... and it is ok. I'm on the low-end of energy and didn't get much done yesterday (just my maintenance tasks & some June Challenge stuff out). Today still low energy, but forced myself to make-up yesterday's "de-hoard" time plus do today's time -- so 50 minutes total time-in, plus June Challenge stuff out. It hasn't been felt "fun" and I didn't really feel like I ever picked up any momentum today, but I am proud that I didn't give up. And, I'll tell you all -- Before turning on my computer to update you lovely people, I sat down to figure out what I'd accomplished today -- b/c internally, I didn't feel like I'd actually accomplished anything! -- and I was surprised to discover that I really did make a little more headway. If I hadn't of had you all & this message board, I would not have bothered to note what I did do & then I probably would have just continued to feel "yuck-o" -- so THANKS EVERYBODY! 🙂 MAIN FLOOR Kitchen: Roxie -- It's made me VERY happy to read about your many accomplishments over the past 10 days!!! 😀 LoL -- And, if I could have the power get Dianne's "fanny" back here to update us, you know I would ! ;D | |
| Roxie | Posted: 24 June 2013 - 09:35 AM |
AnneW, glad to see you checking in at last! Looking forward to more postings. Now, could you chase down Dianne and get her fanny in here? LOL Just kidding. | |
| AnneW | Posted: 23 June 2013 - 09:44 PM |
Thanks for looking out, Roxie 🙂 I just did a quick post under June Challenge -- been having computer issues... Want to write more, but need sleep right now... I'm looking forward to catching up on my Message Board reading over the next two days & then hope to catch up on writing reply posts (plus my own "processing ugh's & aha's") on Wednesday! I've missed the keeping up/keeping in touch for the past 10+ days -- Missed you folks A LOT!!! I look forward to reading your posts tomorrow 🙂 | |
| Roxie | Posted: 22 June 2013 - 05:56 PM |
AnneW and Dianne, where are you??? | |
| Roxie | Posted: 11 June 2013 - 02:11 PM |
AnneW, how about an update? Thinking of you. | |
| Kara | Posted: 08 June 2013 - 11:08 AM |
I found this whilst looking up assessment info. 2.3.1.13 Coping with change | |
| diane | Posted: 06 June 2013 - 07:41 PM |
Anne W I am so thrilled for you. It is such hard work we are doing. Must be done, and we are the ones that created it, so we have to clean it up, not a lot of fun is it? Seems like so much more to do, but is getting easier to get rid of stuf. I do feel I have more stuff than anyone, and no one could possibly understand how out of control my life has become, of course, no one is allowed to see how out of control I have been. I have a fear that the summer will come and go and I will still be buried in treasures. | |
| Roxie | Posted: 06 June 2013 - 06:35 AM |
LynnS, I can hear your frustration in your last writing. You know by being here that we can't change a hoarder if the hoarder is not willing to undertake change work for themselves. The behavior just continues even if you empty their house. With any addiction (and I don't believe EVERY hoarder is an addict) the object of that addiction is more important than anyone or anything else, you know? In my opinion (for what it's worth), it's a mental illness in your mother, not a reasoned choice. I'm concerned about your round-trip commute if you take a job so far away. Would you move closer? AnneW: You have accomplished huge amounts of work! I'm impressed. I do agree that completing a room is a very good goal, but I'm not sure I agree that you need to only focus on that room. I think if you make that room the priority, being sure to work in it daily, then it's okay to do other things like outside work for awhile, especially if that motivates or inspires you to renew those kitchen efforts. In no way do I want to try to undermine the work you are doing with the book. It's just that in my reading on this board I've seen time and again how a goal can be accomplished in a variety of ways that take into account the individual needs or emotional issues of the person doing the cleaning. Whatever keeps us working toward our goals is great! | |
| Tillie | Posted: 05 June 2013 - 11:50 PM |
AnneW WOW!!! WAY TO GO!!! WOOHOO!!! (((HUG))) So happy to read all this, Happy Dance 😀 | |