Ended up eating my lunch at 9:30.

Just getting in. I made the mistake of bringing my lunch today so I'd def up eating my ,inch at 9:30. I thought, I'll put this in the fridge, oh I'll eat half, we'll let's polish that off. It did sustain me all day but I'd rather eat my salad that I buy everyday at work.

I need to clean off my coffee table. It is a terrible mess. I don't want to live like this. All other surfaces are clean and clear. Wish me luck. Yes I need luck.

Hi all,

Once again, I wrote a long post with messages for everyone and didn't notice my battery warnings and poof! When will I learn?! I'm up with insomnia and made the mistake of checking some old medical records and now I have insomnia AND am newly agitated. Maybe I will take a melatonin,

I must remember to copy and paste next time.

For now I will just say Lila, I'm sending you support. I have motivated myself similarly - it's only natural - but if you can, try to banish the thoughts of if/when you're gone what will happen and instead try to invest in thoughts of when you survive/thrive how you will enjoy positive changes in your home. Visualize yourself far into the future enjoying your home and your life.

Sending good thoughts out to everyone. 💕💕💕💕💕
.

Lila, serial posting is the best. It is the best way to stay on track. You are getting these things done and that is good. Keep chipping away.

He loves your baking!

Yes, it's a funny thing how I feel about the gift. I normally don't care but this has a lot wrapped up in it plus I will find a way to make it work with my decor. It's just so wonderful. We shall see what happens

We did errands all morning and into the afternoon. Then we walked to the marathon ti cheer everyone on. We went later than we usually do, didn't get there til five. Yes, people run all into the evening. Some of these people had been running for 6-7 hours I would guess. We saw one woman almost get to the finish line, she was just before the last turn, and she couldn't do it. A firefighter runner stopped to see her, they linked arms and I assume they finished. Very touching.

I would've liked to have been at the marathon closer to 3 or 4 but we got a lot done today and ultimately that is what counts. Plus we were able to cheer on the runners without being right next to anyone. So hopefully we will not get covid. We were the only two in masks. On the way home we stopped by Emiko's work to say hello. Just as I was preparing to take the cat litter and the recycling out, my mother called and didn't have any sugar for her coffee tomorrow am. So I ran to the store, now I'm home and showered and I have somebody very cute next to me. She is sound asleep.

Back to office tomorrow. I'm supposed to have Thursday and Friday off to help BF with some stuff but that may be postponed.

I had some modest goals for myself this weekend and I do not believe I did any of them. I did sneak in one quick load If delicates today. I swept up after getting the trash together. I ran dishwasher earlier today because I didn't get it done yesterday.

My coffee table has a bunch of stuff on it. I really need to get that cleared off. One of my weekend goals that I didn't do.

*wouldn't nap, not wouldn't happen. Although that is good too.

Also, I meant to tell you, when I was packing up all of his things "we need to put your boots in a bag so you can take them home, get your little goat so you can take it home, I need to pack up some eggs for you to take home to daddy.." He pointed to my counter and said "take pound cake home."

Lila, good job on the healthy food and progress!

I did get to keep Bean last night, but he is still feeling poorly and was low energy and wouldn't happen today. He slept on the way back to his momma. I have his cold now, but since Dd determined that it was a cold and it has spent the week running through my family, my boss says I can take a decongestant and come to work if I want to.

I want to. I will wear my mask and stay back from the kids, but showing up is so much easier than trying to work out sub plans.

I'm trying to get to bed early tonight.

Tatoulia, I know what your are saying. Sometimes I give my kids a thing and I tell them "I want you to have this if you want it, and it's ok if it gets used and something happens to it, but if you decide you don't want it anymore, please give it back, because I will still want it.

baby steps - post 3. I need the accountability so don't mind my serial posting.

I went back in my bedroom:

Continued and finished sorting the pile beside the bed. Vacuumed that area.

Sorted everything piled on the dog crate next to the closet: threw out receipts and papers, put a few things away, consolidated prescriptions and masks.

Piled all the clothes from the dog crate and side table onto the rocking chair so they are in one place for putting away, once I can get to the closet.

Sorted things on the side table, threw things away.

Opened 4 boxes and 2 envelopes of stuff that came in the mail. Tried on 2 sweaters, folded to put away. Put items on the kitchen table for putting away.

Checked my online accounts and wrote down all future appointments for me and teen.

Made oatmeal with berries and bananas and walnuts, just ate it and am gearing up to start working again.

Baby steps - post 2

I went in my bedroom and started tackling the floor pile beside my bed. Threw away trash and old receipts.

Piled about 20 books from the floor onto my bed in stacks: "return/borrowed", "shelf", and "read soon."

Sorted papers and piled anything that is 'keep' on the bed (short pile).

Got my clothes out of the dryer, folded them, put them on the bed.

Now I am having coffee and toast, and will go back and do more shortly.

Good morning and thank you for the kind thoughts. I spent yesterday evening being very anxious and upset about 'what ifs', so I think I am just done with that. I read something on a forum last night, "don't worry until you NEED to worry." I don't have any terrible news yet. It could be I dodged a bullet and they got it all and I'm going to be okay. I will go with that and try to not worry, at this point.

DH has about 1/4 of his old room still all cluttered up. I am going to see if he will please finish cleaning it so son can move in. I probably will have the carpet cleaned in there (as well as the living room) to help get the dust out.

I took a mental health day today. I opted out of a work meeting this morning so stay home in my sweats and do whatever. That will include some decluttering/cleaning because the state of things is affecting my mood, too. Will report back what I get done, plus, I am resting and going to enjoy healthy foods.

Looking forward to hearing what you are working on today, friends.

Lila, the contrast makes me sick, too. And that just adds to the anxiety. We are here and supporting you from afar. Don't worry about the hoard and its value to others. YES let's lose weight together. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as is value and meaning. It is absolutely of no moment right now. You and your health are important. We'll work on letting go of clutter whenever you are ready.

We are cleaning BF's office. There is one piece of art that is hanging in it that both of his nieces of expressed deep love for. I bought it for his birthday many years ago. He asked me what I thought. And I said, it's your gift, you are free to do what you want. And then I waited a bit and asked if I could tell him the truth. And I said, if they plan to keep it and hang it and enjoy it, that's good. But if they change their mind in three months, get rid of it, a piece of me will die. I remember buying that at auction and then going on a very rainy day with my brother to frame it and how when I picked it up, the woman at the frame shop said her brother was interested in buying it from me. I kept it in my office til BF's birthday and a French woman I worked with loved it and I let her hang it in her office until his birthday. It is a fabulous piece (BF and nieces are also French). It is along the lines of an old French travel poster, simply fabulous graphics and the colors are few and impactful. BF said, if he knew for sure that they wanted it and that it would be special, he would give it to them but he cannot be sure. So we wait and see. He regrets not saying it was a birthday gift from me. I'm trying to let go. His gift, his choice.

My kids are all amazing - lol.

Lila, I am sorry tot is still sick and that you didn't get an Easter celebration. I hope tgat you found the message of hope and rebirth at church comforting.

We will sideways tapdance for your scans. But even if they are bad, do not despair, ok? Treatments are becoming more and more effective. You will just need to focus on taking care of yourself.

Bean is sick. He won't go to sleep. They might take him home.

I did not get to see my little sick Tot. We didn't even do an Easter dinner. It used to be such a nice holiday with all the family here. With Tot's family absent, other son gone on a trip, and me feeling slightly ill from the contrast (I assume that's why I felt ill after the CT) no one else would cook or do anything so, nothing.

Now it is a waiting game to see what the scan says. I am terrified. Please let it be clear.

I did go to church, alone, today, because I wanted to worship on this sacred day.

Either way, I need to declutter majorly. The thought of me being gone and my kids having to go through stuff and not knowing what anything is or being able to find the meaningful things, is terrible.

I also have to lose weight to increase my odds of living longer, regardless of the scan results. Please pray for me or send good thoughts; I am in emotional distress.

Homemade buttercream eggs? That is amazing! Happy Easter, SubC!

Bean loved his Easter basket.

We planted some potatoes - he got to use his new shovel. Now he is napping - we will try peas later.

Meanwhile my dd2 showed up to surprise us. She and dd1 are making my mil's chocolate covered buttercream eggs because Dh loves them.

Dh is mowing and dsil is planting trees (all the ash trees here are dying and we have been removing invasive honeysuckle. We are filling the spots in with native trees.

Happy Easter!

Letting go can be the most freeing feeling. I'm so happy when I let things go. I love seeing the things go and I love the security of knowing either it's time to let it go or it's something that I could replace if need be. I need only look at the aisles at Goodwill to know that it is all replaceable. I feel secure when letting go, not insecure. I feel insecure when keeping stuff just in case. I feel secure in knowing that there are stores where they keep those things for me, ready at the actual time that I need the thing.

Happy Easter!

Tatoulia, good job on the donations!

Road, it is definitely easier with less stuff.I think the two most important things are stopping the inflow and learning to let go if things. The cleaning and organizing us secondary.

Lots to do beforeBean shows up!

Lila, I hope you get to see tot!

The carrots and beets are particularly appealing to me, SubC! Sound so wonderful.

Road, look for a lever on the back of the stand mixer. Is there something that will raise the bowl?

I took two bags to goodwill! One from my closet and one from back of my car. Pretty nice!

Going to get laundry out of dryer, fold it, put away, go to bed.

Hello,

Well, I attempted baking a cake today. I don't think I've baked a cake since the ?90s - a poppyseed cake From the moosewood cookbook (with improvised Lemon whisky glaze). The H hauled up this ridiculous stand mixer he got from work and I tested it and it worked... so I proceeded... get all the ingredients prepped and started adding stuff to the bowl and the paddle doesn't make contact the bowl. In fact it doesn't even come near the bowl. Possibly accessories for a regular size mixer? No clue but anyway I have already gotten things messy so I proceed. (I manually held the bowl up in the right position so it would mix!!) Then I remember I need to find my cake pans. No cake pans! So I make a sheet cake 100% the opposite of what I had in mind fresh from watching cake week on GBBO. well, I made it and got it out in time (slightly underdone-oops) and let it cool. I come down a few hours later and the corner is all torn up. It waS the boy. So now that it's trashed I decide to cut circles out of it and make a small layer cake. It's out on the porch awaiting frosting. The batch I made today didn't fluff up enough. Might make a blueberry sauce to go over it tomorrow. But we also need to clean and wash the table cloth and set the table, and cook potatoes and asparagus, etc. etc. so we will see. So that was my big effort and I am mentally friggin drained to the max. Small thing with just my family. Sister, brother, Aged Ps and possibly the niece (hopefully sober) and boyfriend who is persona non grata at the moment, although my son is a big fan of everyone all the time so I hope he comes for his sake.

Still tracking what I'm eating and hoping dietician will tell me I can relax a little but we will see. I am veering between shock and depression and resignation and occasionally resilience... two school meetings next week also adding to the anxiety...

Lila, my room feels the same way. I know I have actually made a lot of progress but it's like the walls keep caving in. I think it's because we are so rusty keeping things picked up that it's a mental effort and when things get more stressful e just don't have the juice. I think once the volume is reduced more it will be easier to maintain because it will be easier to see what needs to be done with less stuff and when something gets out of place or falls over it won't create a domino effect... kind of like having $300 in your checking vs. $3000. You're always right on the edge of going under and extra fees and all that bs. There's no cushion. And once it's been cleaner longer, that's like our cushion. We will be better at it and have less to contend with and less to maintain,,,

Thoughts everyone?

Happy Easter to all.

Tatoulia, did you get to goodwill?

I worked in the garden today.

Planted carrots, beets, cabbage, parsnips, lettuce, endive and spinach. More varieties of carrots, beets, and lettuce to do. Also leeks, shallots, peas, kohlrabi, and potatoes.

Hopefully Bean will help with the potatoes and peas. He is coming over tomorrow!

Also made the chick a home and dumped the rotten eggs.

And ran the dishwasher.

No cheese.

Checking in on everyone!

Everyone is making plans and making progress! Good work being done!

I have o do something today. Anything, really. I'm tempted to start laundry which we all know is akin to my deciding to not do anything for the rest of the day. So I need to resist.

After work I did a bit of shopping, had three things in my hand, put them all back and bought nothing. Felt really good. I satisfied the shopping urge.

I think I need to donate stuff at goodwill today. I have a bag ready to go. I also need to take a look at the trunk of my car and see what can come out of it. Surely I can donate some of what is there.

So much going on!

Lila, We find the poundcake really sweet. I just serve it with tea, coffee, or for bean - milk.

It is surprising how fast things get out of control. But you guys are making some good starts!

Did I tell you we were hatching eggs at school? And someone looked in the incubator and left it ajar the first weekend? I told the kids that if nothing hatched, we would try again. But we got one chick yesterday. So I don't have to do it again. But I do have to care for a single chick. He is still in the incubator but I have to set up a home for him today. I think I might buy him some friends.

I applied for a summer job yesterday. It was incredibly hard for me. I had to make and submit a resume, and write a cover letter, and I'm pretty sure both of them were awful. There are many many things I'm good at. And I am overqualified for this job and they should jump at the chance to hire me. But applying for jobs is not one of the things I am good at. The last time I applied for a job where I needed a resume was 30 years ago. And I did not get the job. Every job since then - I told the person I wanted the job, they have talked with me, and then they have hired me. I did already talk to the person I would be working for - so maybe I will get the job.

My Dd had a nasty cold last week (not covid) and then her Dh had it, and now my Dh has it, and Bean had a runny nose yesterday. I have Bean's Easter basket ready, but I don't know if I will see him. The general consensus in my family is that I am too stubborn to get sick. We shall see.

Big projects for this weekend are the chick, garden, and maybe cheese. Also we are out of poundcake which we will need if Bean comes over.

Also, as usual the house is a wreck and there is school stuff to catch up on.

oops, the question marks were originally bullets.

Well, since that post I got basically nothing done. I felt like I just couldn't.

I did open one package and try on the two new shirts I ordered (because I gained weight and very little fits). One is getting returned.

I started to work on the piles by the bed. Threw away some magazines and trash and then I had to abandon it because my dog was barking too much.

I will try again tomorrow.

post 2 -

So far today, I
? took kiddo for a haircut and picked up dog food
? ordered some things via online shopping (free trial)
? sorted about half the paper stack beside me, threw out all junk mail, excess papers, shredded some docs and put some docs in a box in the filing cabinet to be filed
? loaded and ran the dishwasher

It's a start. Now I am going to heat up some ravioli and enjoy a late lunch, with green tea to give me some energy to start on the bedroom barricade.

P.S. Yes, it definitely helps to free up mental bandwidth having the big project done! Today I have already accomplished some stuff.

It is trash day and since I am going to be more conscientious about what I eat and how much (because I won't have the excuse to stress eat! 😁) I went through my side of the fridge and pulled several science experiments and just questionable items. Felt good to get those gone. Trash truck is out there right now.

And I started on the computer desk and living room nest. Vacuumed and set up the desk. Going through the other stuff. It fluffs of course, so will take awhile to deal with but at least I have started. Got hungry so taking lunch break now.

Awww, Lila, more and more I have come to believe that often our clutter doesn't have any big deep Freudian underlying meaning, that it's just the visible manifestation of stress, lives that are too busy and full, and trouble wrapping our minds around what order to tackle it in.

At least once we've reckoned with our basic propensities to hang on to stuff or sentimentalize it or think we need to save it for Justin Case. 😉

By the way, did y'all know Justin Case has a girlfriend? Her name is Ruth. Because when we go to purge stuff, we mustn't save stuff for Justin Case, and... wait for it...

We must be Ruthless!

😂🤣😂

I'm back.

SubC, thank you for the pound cake recipe. I might make it for Easter. Do you serve it with anything, any frosting, glaze or fruit and whipped cream?

Tatoulia, yes! Paint your dresser. It's just for you to enjoy. I am looking at things in a different light now.

Road, kudos for giving the puppy a bath! It is tiring but rewarding to have a freshy washed dog. I need to do mine, he is shedding terribly. And, I am reading as I go along and responding, I am so sorry about the kidney disease. That's a hard thing to swallow.

CM, congrats on getting the repair done! Whew, what a relief. And thank you for your prayers.

I have no new news yet on the cancer dx. There was some insurance glitch for the CT so they are working on that so I can hopefully get it done asap. Then see the surgeon on Thurs. After both of those are done I should know with a fair certainty whether it has spread to or from somewhere else, and what the next steps will be, treatment wise.

I have really let everything go around here and it is shocking how quickly things get cluttered back up. I admit I have been struggling emotionally with this dx. Then got very busy trying to catch up on work - got that done. But let the house go.

My bedroom - the area between my bed and my closet is a literally impenetrable wall of stuff now. Remember not too long ago I had it all cleared? Well somehow it is worse than ever. Clothes piled on a rocking chair are the only ones I can reach. Piles and piles of papers, books, magazines, receipts etc all over the floor right up the the bed so I have just a small area to step to get in. I can barely reach the rocking chair clothes. Behind the rocking chair and beside it, piles and piles. Blocking the closet. Can't find anything or get to anything. What is that about, mentally/emotionally, I wonder? But I have to take care of that today. I have today off, so hope to work on that area. I really need my clothes.

Aside from that there are boxes and mail and papers everywhere, dining room table unusable, kitchen a mess, deep bin of papers on the couch next to me, piles of stuff all over the end tables again.

I have to think the clutter and mess really is a direct reflection of my mental state, because I am distressed about the dx and my house has become distressed also.

Will report back.

Ah, CM 😄💓💓💓💓💓 sending loads of love to you. What an amazing post. I can relate to so much of that. I always think of the "energy drains" concept - maybe an Oprah term circa 1998 or 2002. how unfinished business or stressful situations suck energy away from you and when you resolve those things you suddenly have more energy and mental clarity. I imagine the world will really take on a new perspective now that you're through this epic ordeal. Keep processing it out loud. This is the place! Also good for our edification. Never heard the 🍊 orange wanmatoup word before. Lol. I know that's not it. 😆 actually sounds very similar to what my friend had going on at her place.

Keep us posted as to your plans.

Today I'm having lunch w a book club friend who's just started chemo. She said she had an off day (English prof at local college) and thought she'd need some company. I am really impressed with how proactive she's been seeking support. I hope she feels well enough to meet up.

Lila, 💓

Will check back later people.

Road, I give your sideways tap dancing skills a 10/10.🪧 Yeah, if it had been a lesser repair my roommate probably would've been able to bite the bullet and we'd have had it behind us a long time ago. The problem had unfolded in various stages over the past few years actually, and there had indeed been a few times when it appeared to be fixed. I recall in particular in 2018 I believe it was, thinking we'd need what we just had done, then something lesser was enough and we thought that was it.

Then in the last couple of years was when problems arose again, but for a time it still appeared that getting the line snaked out sufficed. But it needed snaking with increasing frequency. This week when the big job took place, we were shown the pipe just crammed so full of tree roots that only a few molecules of liquid could possibly have made it through there at any given moment. The pipe was cast iron for part of its length, but other parts were Orangeburg, which was failing as Orangeburg is wont to do - we may actually have gotten more life out of it than average. In any case, it needed to go.

I hope this plumbing dissertation hasn't been too tedious. It's just sort of cathartic to be able to describe matter of factly a phenomenon that has caused so much stress for such a long time - and is NOW FINALLY OVER. Talking about it makes it being over feel more real, after all the wondering if it ever would be over.

I have known more and more people who are on the hoarding spectrum if you will. Some of them are not fussed about it that much, while others have been more closeted. Some freely admit they don't have people over because of clutter, but otherwise don't seem in any urgency or distress to change. I believe our consumerist chickens are coming home to roost for many in American society. We've just gotten spoiled I guess in that we have means of enabling ourselves - large properties, storage units, and so on. But even absent those, no matter what amount of space one has or doesn't have, as we know it's one of the most difficult things to tackle.

Now that the big bottleneck where I live has been resolved, I'm going to be leaning into the challenge, and that is a post of its own. Today being Good Friday, it's a reflective time of asking God how I could be living better and being more at peace, focusing on what's really important and being less of a thorn in the side of those who have to put up with me.

Or don't have to, but are kind enough to try, especially my roommate. I've let my clutter spill into her space, while at the same time I am critical of how she does things, and an obnoxious control freak, which is very hypocritical of me.

I know that a lot of what's behind this unhealthy dynamic is my difficulty accepting that it's not my living quarters to arrange as I wish (which is a huge grief reminder of the house I lost to foreclosure). And that in order to ever have my own living quarters again, I face the uphill battle of conquering my agoraphobia and neurodivergent challenges and finding a job again and being able to hang onto it.

But I have a couple years to sort that, since 62 is when I can start a 5-year plan and social security won't be able to knock me off disability and then at 67 it converts to retirement. Running out the shot clock but also getting more money coming in, that's the goal. And if I dare to dream, perhaps finding my niche. With remote work becoming more of an option, it may be more user friendly for someone like me than ever before. Or I can find a podunk job in a less stressful environment perhaps. The pressure in my younger years to build a high powered fancy ⚜ career ⚜ is off.

Anyway, in the immediate, I have some tasks to do that I hope will make a nicer workspace and also demonstrate to roommate that I intend to do better. I got a small, simple but hopefully sturdy table/desk for my computer yesterday, to replace one that started out promising but proved wobbly and annoying. I'm going to put that up and in the process vacuum the rug and declutter my "nest" in the living room. Then I'll be making a game plan for a major campaign and I'll share about the steps and progress of that in future posts.

Tatoulia, thanks for the birthday wishes. 😊

Road and Lila, been praying for your health. 🙏

SubC, keep on keeping on, I know spring is a busy time for the farm and the school year.

Hugs and coconuts 🥥 🤗 ❤ (how funny, when I typed the words, the emojis came up automatically so there you go!)

Good morning!

Bean surely would have loved the equipment! And bern fascinated by the man in the hole.

CM, I am delighted that you have plumbing!

When I was a kid we had iffy septic, and my father waged what he called the "flush without fear" campaign. So I want to tell "huzzah! Flush without fear!"

I hope you have a great Easter birthday weekend. And road I hope you can make some good new memories for your son.

Lila, I hope you are ok.

Gotta fly - hugs and coconuts to all!