I have tried and tried again today to write my post. I wrote. I hesitated. I deleted. Wrote again. Deleted again.

I. Am. Mentally. Exhausted. I am physically exhausted. I. Am. Broken.

I knew in advance that deciding to take a day off yesterday was a risk. Especially when dealing with two hoarders and having the rare opportunity of motivation from both of them.

Trust Me! I. Did. Not. Want. To. Rest. Yesterday.
But I knew I HAD to. ... For. Me.

I woke up this morning to their excuses about why not to move forward anymore. In one day. Overnight. Just like that. I lost their motivation because I needed rest. In one heartbeat. Gone.

As usual, I found a private place to try to regroup.
Sadness and defeat exploded from me. I cried from depths so deep the pain expelled from me like a raging river.

No. You might ask. It didn't make me feel better. I hate to cry. I have been through a lot in life. You name it. I got the sign. Not easy. I got back up. Moved on.

.... But today I struggled to get back up again.

Please do not respond with sympathy. It sickens me. I only post today about my struggle for those whom are struggling in silence.

It. Is. Hard.
It. Is. Exhausting.
Don't. Give. Up.

Today. I got back up.
I got things back in motion.
But I am too tired to share how I even managed to do that.
Maybe tomorrow.

If you are struggling in silence and reading this...
Do. Not. Give. Up. You are not alone.
I care about You. I really do.
(((HUG)))

Having a sense of humor is very important.
So much better than taking it all too seriously.

YEA! for being lazy! 😀
Enjoy the weekend.

Hi Tillie,

Thank you!

I love this: "So it's not really laziness. It's just delaying deciding and not dealing with it now."

I really don't think that my husband and MIL are lazy people, per se. There are several factors in why they hoard, I'm learning about them. "Just in case" is definitely one reason.

Decisions are sometimes extremely difficult for them. That must be so mentally draining. Some decisions are surprisingly simple for them which was a real eye-opener for me. We try to find the balance between difficult and simple decision-making when working together. One bonus in our process is humor; we have tons of it.

Enjoy your weekend!

Hi Subclinical,

As long as labels don't have negative connotations attached to them to hurt a person, I agree. Labels can be important, helpful, and healthy - even encouraging. Labels can also have negative implications and can even be very dangerous too depending on the person receiving one. The important thing, I believe, is to always be kind and gentle to one another.

Both my husband and MIL chose the word "lazy" to use and both were very confident when doing so. The word lazy was used as an action word rather than a label.

I'm might add that I am not educated to diagnose them or why they hoard. Nor do I want to. But I will continue to educate myself to help all of us in this journey. I have learned that admitting to the label "hoarder" is an important step. I attach hope to this lesson. Without the admission, I attach doubt. Who knows, maybe admitting to being a hoarder might not be necessary for my husband and MIL and that is o.k. Everyone is unique in their own way of thinking. As long as we make positive progress and keep the common goal in mind, it works for us.

Today, I am being lazy...all day long. And I'm proud of that. I earned it. We earned it.

It makes me so happy to know that you're not beating yourself up! *High-Five* Wishing you a great weekend!

That is all so FANTASTIC!

Fingers crossed that both he and his mother keep being motivated!!!

Most hoarding is caused by "delayed decisions".
Making decisions takes some hard thinking at times and then there are the doubts as to if it will be needed again some future day.
So everything just gets kept for "just in case"
Who we named Justin Case here.

So it's not really laziness. It's just delaying deciding and not dealing with it now.

But it seems as if they are now in the mood to make some of their hard decisions! 😀

WAY TO GO!
Ya'll keep up the good progress. D

Stuck in the middle,
That is fantastic progress!

For some of us, having a label is important and helpful. For others maybe not.

For me, realizing that my brain works differently and I need to work with it helped me stop beating myself up for being lazy and incompetent. If your family feels better being "lazy" that is probably fine.

As long as things are improving, I don't think it matters what people want to be called.

Another great day. One full truck went to the dump and another car load of donations went to Habitat for Humanity. My Husband even scheduled Habitat For Humanity to come pick up stuff this coming week! Really?! I. Am. So. Incredibly proud of him!

MIL gathered another pile to donate as well. So WAY cool!

Both my husband and my MIL have admitted that they are hoarding "because of laziness". Neither have admitted it is because of actually being a "hoarder" ...Yet.. I still have hope.

As long as I'm seeing progress at this speed, I will take it!

I also started a "reward system" other than just praise. It's a reward system that is not materialistic. I will share it, if it works. So we will see how that plays out.

I. Am. Exhausted. But...I. Am. Strong.

(((Hope Hugs)))

Aww, thank you, Subclinical for the great advice! Defending clean, organized, functional, space is challenging. I. Will. Do. My. Best.

Huge hug to you for finding that self discipline! Self-imposed "rules" and boundries are so powerful in helping us live healthier happier lives. I am very proud of you!

(((Hope Hugs)))

Hey Tillie!

Yes ma'am! The. Entire. Garage! I pulled up that bucket today, sat on my heiney, and soaked in the glory of it all ... for a whole 22 minutes! Then I got busy and loaded the car with more "things" from inside of the house to donate.

I am so very sorry. I can totally relate. A hazmat team is a good choice. I didn't have that option when I was obligated to clean and organize my MIL's home before we could even bring her back home after fighting for her life a whole year in multiple hospitals. That was a doozer of a year, to say the least. But. It is behind me.

One. Day. At. A time.

(((Hope Hugs)))

Yay for the garage!

It will be great if he works on his shop. Just don't let him bring things from the shop into the house! I tend to move stuff around between buildings. I have a new rule that only pottery related items can go to the pottery studio space, so hopefully everything else will just funnel down to the basement, get sorted out, and shrink.

The WHOLE garage!!!
YOOHOO!!!
Enjoy all that space!!!

Don't get burned out with all the hard physical labor. pace yourself.

Fingers crossed that your DH will continue on supporting your plans. 😀

The garage here is like your Dh's workshop.
Packed floor to rafters and there is even a loft that runs the full length.
It's a barn like structure and could conceivably hold 4 vehicles.
But there is nothing but a tiny filthy goat path through the center of it.
Stuff stacked precariously high throughout. You can't even see the walls let alone ever reach them.
It's dangerous and scary. Full of garbage and vermin and insects and snakes who eat the vermin.
We do have Hantavirus in this area and Bubonic plague.
I do believe a proper hazmat team should be called.

Hi Subclinical,

I know right! I was so happy I even did the jig.

The garage is considered my space. I had given up hope reclaiming it but with my new form of communication, I thought to myself, "Why not try." It worked. I can now park the car in it. Not today though, because I am going to pull up a bucket, sit in the middle of the garage, and stare at the glory of success. Clean. Organized. Functional. Space.

My husband has his own shop detached from our shared living space. His shop is 1,500 sq ft and it is plumb full. I respect his space and he hoards there to his heart's content. Although, he said (for the first time ever) that he was going to start cleaning out his shop too.

I am skeptical but so far the newfound communication skills are working.

(((Hope Hugs)))

Stuck in the middle - you reclaimed the entire garage?! That is a big thing! Hoarders love garages. Mine has an ever changing line of stuff around my car that I have left there "for now"

That is a big win!

Hallelujah! I reclaimed the garage! Was it easy? No. Was it worth all of the hard work from dawn to dusk? Yes!

Was I ridiculed? Not once! Not even a hint of anger or tantrums out of my husband! He even helped! And he sold stuff!

The change in communication has given me hope again... even if the hope is coated with doubt that this will last.

In the meantime, I'm counting today as WIN!

(((Hope Hugs)))

You're Welcome 🙂

Awesome Tillie, thank you!

(((Hope Hugs)))

Directly to the right is a blue box titled
"Hoarding Webinars".

Make sure to click on all the links at the top of the page too.
There is a lot of good information.

Right beneath the list of states on the left of this page is a link to
"Hoard No More".
It is a workbook and CD and an other book.
I love it but he will have nothing to do with it.

I believe there is a video about it on Youtube?

Hey Tillie!

Pretty cool, huh! Thank you!

And thank you for suggesting books! I love education, reading, and learning! I've also purchased several books for my husband and MIL to read and use as tools to improve. Reading books is not in their nature. None of the books were read. "Buried in Treasures" is also one of them that only added to the hoarding. Please keep suggesting books though, because one book just might help someone out there!

I do agree. Unless the hoarder "decides" that they want to get better, there is no progress. I'm not saying this to give false hope to those like me out there looking for hope. I just know that if self-help books don't work to trigger the hoarder to want to help themselves, try, try, try again. Try something new. Educate yourself. Try again. And again. And again. Don't give up. Please. Don't. Give. Up.

I'm still learning.

Also, I am having a hard time finding Cory Chalmers' schedule for seminars. I believe that might be another tool I can use to keep things in motion. I'll keep looking.

(((Hope Hugs)))

A good book to read is
"Buried In Treasures".

It's written for people who hoard but teaches them with CBT.
Reading the methods in the book helps in understanding what they need.
The book is a workbook.

But nothing works if they dig in their heels and refuse to work on anything.

WAY TO GO! Your MIL!!!
Good for her!
YEA! for another car load out too!

Another car load of "things" are gone. Win.

And! My MIL is moving forward again and has more "things" to donate too! Win win.

I think one very important key is communication. I've learned from reading through the forum threads that hoarders think way differently about their "things" than minimalists. Then I thought to myself, "hoarders must hear things differently too. So, I must communicate in ways that they can hear me."

I've learned better ways to help my husband and MIL find the LOGIC in their brains when they are deciding to and letting go of "things". It's working!

Of course, there are many other factors that come into play and everyone's situation has unique difference, but I am not here on this forum only seeking help, I am also here to contribute hope too. You can do this. Don't give up. Find what works for you and celebrate success.

(((Hope Hugs)))

Aww Tillie,

I'm so sorry. I totally understand. Limitations can be frustrating.

The excuses and criticism are challenging - they make smoke come from my ears like a train going full speed ahead. But I don't show it.

The wounds and ruined clothes are not as easy to hide. I'm proud of ya for pushing through though! Ya did it! Win!

Thanks!!!

(((Hope Hugs)))

Thanks
but the only way those things were ever going to leave the property is if I did that hard thankless work.
He just hid in his garage making excuses and then criticizing everything I did after all the work was over & done with.

Yeah 🙁
I've been hurt so many times trying to live with this dangerous hoard.
And my clothes are always getting ruined too.

Good luck and best wishes for you today making another stab at things.

Way to go Tillie!

That is hard work! Please be careful. If the body gets broken, as non-hoarders, the battle only gets compounded with more issues. I hear your pain. We might think the physical pain is worth it because "things" are gone, but in reality we must learn our limits to avoid hurting our bodies. Trust me. I've been injured. If you can, ask for help with the heavy things next time. But dang girl! Way to muscle through it!

I donate or throw away what is not mine only with permission.

Yesterday was rough. I felt defeated. So far, today is not looking all too good either. I'm locked inside my prison oasis as I type this - regrouping. Reading threads in the forum to find hope.

For anyone out there that just stumbled onto this sight looking for help, keep reading through the threads even when you're exhausted and want to totally give up. There are answers in the threads and wonderful people here. It helps to share your struggles too. Please don't give up.

O.k. I'm going to give this day another try. Out to the battlefield I go. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho.

Riding on a wing and a prayer.
(((Hope Hugs)))

Correction to my previous post:

.... I have full intentions of calling https://hoardingcleanup.com/services if
*I outlive my MIL*.

I sure do understand grabbing those windows of opportunity/cooperation!

Just recently I had the opening to work on getting some things out of the yard and I jumped on it.
But had to move a lot of heavy filthy hoard out of the way to get to these things.
Also had to push a derelict vehicle out of the way then back out of the way again.
My body is still suffering terribly but those things are GONE.

About your MIL's things...
If you can donate, then donate.
I was not sure if that was an option for you.
I know that I can only donate or throw out things that are mine.

That's really GREAT that you plan to call for hoarding clean up services should you be tasked with the final clean up for your MIL. 😀

Hey Tillie,

Yes. I knew that. Because after 20 years of it I learned that there are baby steps forward and multiple steps backwards. It is a never-ending cycle. At least for me. Please don't get me wrong. Some things have improved. Like you, I have claimed "space" but it is equally difficult to maintain that space.

I've also learned that when I have windows of cooperation I must muster up every bit of strength inside of me to ride the opportunity spaceship to hoarding freedom. Even if it is only shortlived. Whoop whoop! With my husband, it is all or nothing. So I jump.

Sometimes the battles must be faced in order to live a normal functional life. This is not new to my husband. And I am extremely sensitive to his level of "handling so much". Believe me, it is SO much easier to be compassionate than it is for me to fight; hence, my brain freezes - albeit rare. He has no idea why I brain freeze. I am far too sensitive of his feelings to supply him with my answer.

At the same time, I freely admit that I am not a perfect human being and this forum is helping me learn more. It is helping me cope. It is helping me grow. It is helping me to help my husband. It is giving me hope.

My husband's tolerance level is zero. So when I get a window of oppurtunity - I jump. I work hard. Very hard. Because I never know when the window will shut.

I am not sure that I can answer your questions. I need to think about that. You might recall, my MIL is a hoarder too and I just spent the last year of my life cleaning and organizing her home. So. As I think about this more....My husband received "things" from her and added these "things" to our home. Wouldn't it be wiser (and more sensitive to her) of me to donate these things instead of returning them to my MIL? That way those "things" will no longer be something that has to be removed from my MIL's house at a later time. Kinda a win win.

.....Oh, and, trust me.... I have full intentions of calling https://hoardingcleanup.com/services if my MIL outlives me. I simply do not have the life left in me to deal with that again. I have enough hard work to do defending and cleaning my own spaces.

Great advice Tillie, thank you.

(((Hope Hugs)))

Sorry
You knew going into this that there would be times where you take one step forward and many days where you are bushed multiple steps backward.

Please stop for a little while, keep maintaining what space you can and regroup.

Choose your battles carefully. Keep them small enough to be do-able.

You need to give him some time to adjust to the new.
You have done a lot these last few days.
He can only handle just so much at a time.
Watch him and learn what his tolerance levels are to not push him beyond a limit, for now.

Little by little he will be able to handle more at a time.
This is all so new to him and he can't handle it, yet.

Yes, very important that all donations or trash items are removed immediately at the end of the day.

Can you return that stuff to his mother's house?
Maybe sneak it out of your place and back to her's?

Keep up that hard work of removing things from your clear space areas.

There was no hike today, as planned. Today was hard.

Let me digress. Yesterday was progress. I counted it as a win even though my husband filled the car with my things to hurt me. Some of the items were also kitchen items. Kitchen items are considered my things since I do ALL of the cooking. After licking my emotional wounds, I thought to myself, "O.k. sure. Car full. Donate. Done." ... "He needed to purge his frustration. Fine. I can work with that. Progress." ... Counted as a win.

The car never left. The place we donate to is closed today.

So. Car starts to get unloaded today because a major kitchen appliance stopped working today. Then he goes to his mother's house to bring more stuff into our home. (((Deep breath))) Although I removed and relocated these things, it was another battle for me to defend space.

Lesson learned today: Make sure to donate the same day that the car gets loaded with stuff to donate.

I. Am. Maxed. Out. This is the point where I reach out. This forum is my saving grace. My Hope.

I am riding on a wing and a prayer.

(((Hope Hugs)))

Well said Tillie!

My brain will not settle down from looking away. If the closet is crammed full but the door is closed, my brain still knows that there is no space in the closet. Brain goes nuts. Brain overloads. I must open the closet and make logical, healthy space before I can have inner peace. It is the same as I look around. If there are too many things my brain can't rest. I simply just can't look away to not see it. Space is extremely important to me. Just like love is.

I never thought of the ceiling quite like that. Very interesting. When I run out of space my brain finds space by spacing out. My brain literally shuts down, and I freeze - eyes wide open. I don't feel, see, or hear a thing around me. My husband literally has to "trigger" me to pull me out of that trance-like state of mind. This may sound very odd to some people, but I believe this is the only way my brain knows how to rest if there is not enough space.

(((Hope Hugs)))

This weeks lesson is for everyone to write an essay on what "space" means to them.

I love this 😀

Gives us all a wonderful perspective on the different workings of our brains.