I do think it's nice that you are writing separate thank you notes. Every kid likes to get mail. Of course, who hasn't sent her Christmas cards? That's right

Slept til noon again today. Just had half a cup of coffee. Will make another and have a bagel. I've been told it will rain soon so I need to get my walk in. Coming home from downtown last night I got off the subway one stop early and walked home. My body is craving a walk. I'll also stop by mom's. I forgot to plug in her toaster, which I am sure is the source of her complaint that the toaster doesn't work. She was crying over that yesterday, too. I can't tell if she's really depressed or just being manipulative or both. But I do not want to argue with her.

I have all of my Christmas stuff on the dining room table. Such a tiny little pile and it makes me happy to have such a small pile. I out the paper houses in a box. Now to put the the rest of the stuff away.

I'm craving a big laundry day but honestly I need to get my walk in.

Taking a break from my list.

I am tired of writing thank you notes. 19 done, 27 to go. I would complain to Dh, but 1) he is out in the barn deep cleaning his shop area, and 2) he would probably say something unhelpful like "you don't need to hand write a personal note to every kid. Just write a generic email and send it out on blind copy."

I was also reminded this morning that the basement guys are coming on Thursday to finish off the work they did in the fall. I, of course, have completely blocked their access - partly by emptying an entire storage closet and partly by rummaging through bins of baby things that were not put back, and partly ditto Christmas. One more thing on my list.

On a brighter note, I was working on the scullery counter, which still has no bare counter space, and Dh came through and I said "if I keep this up for a few more days I'll be back to where I was before break" (I can see things in the pile that appeared during break) and he said "are you kidding?! Before break it was this high." And he held his hand eight inches above the top of the pile. So I guess progress is happening.

Good morning!

Lila, it's a brand new day (calendars are arbitrary.)

Imbolc will occur on February 3 this year, so there are 31 days left in the cross quarter. I find this stretch to midwinter the hardest - even though the days are getting longer, all the holidays and events are clustered at the beginning, and then - nothing but cold and dark. It's why I leave my Christmas decorations up.

Dd has to work at the job site tomorrow, so I am picking Bean up at home. I am going to ask if I can put a big bag in their trash can. They will probably say yes, and then I will just finish off the closet disaster.

I am contemplating things I can do to make my home cleaner, more organized, less stressful, and more pleasant today.

Lila, change is hard. Really, really hard.

When I was freezing and breaking jars all the time, I put a piece of tape with the word "milk" on my steering wheel. Then I would get in the car, start to leave the house, see it, and go back and take the milk out of the freezer. Later ds got me a cute little goat charm for my keys that also worked. Can you put a note on your steering wheel about the fast food?

Good job on your stepper!

Tatoulia, I'm glad your visit with your mom went better.

I think my house is cleaner than it was when I got up this morning. I'm not sure about the scullery, and the biscuit pans have not been washed, but I swept the stairs and there are clean sheets on two out of three guest beds and all of the towels are clean and put away and the everyday tablecloth is out with the holiday one put away, and the sheets for my bed are in the dryer.

I need to remember that the dining porch and the scullery are not sacrifice paddocks. They need to keep getting better, not worse.

Hello ladies!

Don't beat yourself up over the fast food. I'm sure it was just habit kicking in. You'll work on it. One thing about getting rid of stuff: when I was doing my initial large cleanout, I got rid of a lot of stuff. One day in my kitchen I was thinking about what to use as a soap dish and thought about this small blue platter. I then remember that it had probably gone to goodwill. And this is the lesson I learned: the fact that today I can find a use for it doesn't mean I should have kept it the last five years. So the fact that the pencil case is gone is meaningless. You've already found a replacement and it is on its way. The lesson not to learn is that you should keep things just in case.

I too would've looked around for something I already have but you seem to like the organization aspect of the clean out so enjoy your $6 pencil case. Just try to think of us before making a purchase. We will help you find an empty mug or a pretty jar to hold your pens. I promise.

I called mom. The call didn't go well but the visit went better. I told her I was going for a walk and then might stop by. She said something that she knows I won't stop by. I ended up not going on my walk and instead hung out with BF. Then I went to Mom'd and it went pretty well, I'm pleased to say. As I left her house, I saw that the subway downtown was only a minute away so I hopped on the train and went to my favorite grocery store downtown. I bought not one unnecessary thing even though honestly the quality of their Christmas 50% off stuff was primo. I didn't struggle with it. I just put it to one side. Plus I wrapped all gifts with $5 worth of tissue paper this year. And I am not going to store stuff I don't need or want. Even when the Christmases were bigger, I never needed more than one roll of paper, so the madness of buying to many at 90% off was insanity. Took up space in my tiny house and quite frankly, the mental energy was too much.

I'm making meatloaf and I am hungry. I offered to make dinner for BF but he's so proud of himself for fixing the toilet today and fixing something else that now I forget that I don't want to slow him down with dinner. He has one more big thing to fix tonight.

I have Christmas stuff all in one place so I can box it up.

Thank you, SubC. When you said 'no spend' January my jaw hit the floor. I already spent! AND I already bought fast food even though I was sure I would not - I went to pick up the birthday cake, and my teen called me and asked for a a specific fast food. Teen has medical issues and is my youngest and I tend to say yes even when I can't afford it. I want them to feel better. When I went and got their fast food I got myself something too. I was not even thinking.

Well, thank you so much for the reminder, and incentive, and the offer to come here for help before spending. I will take you up on it. I need help. I guess the success for the day is, I saved the receipt, and I will write what I spent in my planner section where I committed to writing down everything I spend in January. I had hoped the only things on that page would be necessities. But I can start now, and log it to be honest with myself and not continue on in old habits. (In fact if I had thought about it, I would have made the cake instead of buying it, even though I am making another one later this week).

I will do better on the spend and fast food thing.

I did get on my stepper today for 5 minutes. Getting on it every day is another habit I am trying to form.

When I think about putting things in the drawer I get a wave of freaking out. It makes no sense so I will go in there, tonight if I have time and tomorrow if I don't, and put things in the darned drawer because like you said, it can all come back out the next day if I don't like it!

Lila,

The drawers are not forever. It doesn't have to be your very very favorite, you don't have to rank everything or commit that strongly. Just start with "this drawer is for (shirts)" then look around and when you see a (shirt) you really like, put it in the drawer. Keep going until the drawers are full. You can fill them all with the same thing if you want. Just try it out. Make some space in your room. You have our permission to dump them all right back out tomorrow if you want.

Now, I am going to try to give you some gentle thoughts on your pen sorter. This is coming from my experience and us influenced by two factors 1) I am cheap. You may not believe that from my pajama shopping, but Dh says I have peanut butter and caviar taste - i don't want to spend any money on anything unless that thing is exactly right. (And I still waited almost a year for the "exactly right" pajamas to go on sale) and 2) when I am feeling overwhelmed with my stuff, I do not want to bring anything else in unless it is absolutely necessary I have a very tight definition of necessary - Dh and I just had a fight about my barn boots. They are precovid I don't remember when but I had a big conversation on here about the boots when I got them. Now they leak and the liner is torn and I have to slide a plastic bag in the heel to put them on. Boots wear out and it annoys me. Dh says waterproof barn boots that leak are trash and I need new ones. I say they don't leak too much..

So, possibly you really needed a new pen sorter thing right now and possibly the one you found is absolutely perfect. And I am really happy that ordering it helped you clear stuff out! But possibly you just needed a place to put your pens. If you would like help with your no spend goals, you can bring stuff like that here. I would throw out all kinds of ideas about things that could hold your pens for a week or two while you thought about what you really needed and shopped for the perfect pen sorter thing. I am the queen of using stuff you already have. Then, you would be almost halfway through no spend January and you could decide if the pen thingy was really worth it.

Mostly it's about practicing not buying things to solve problems. It's a big mental shift.

Dh and I worked in the studio barn today. He cut a ton of scrap wood up into kindling for the woodstove and I sorted out things in my studio area - I have a couple of piles of stuff ready to be dispersed to different locations on Tuesday when I leave the house again. (Wonder if I should start my car - it's only been 11 days - Tuesday will be 14. that's not a problem, right?)

part 2 -

I am busy cooking and taking breaks in between. We always have a big family dinner for New Year's Day with all my family here. I make a rib roast with potatoes, gravy, green beans, rolls, and salad. The rolls are raising, the roast is warming to room temp. I also need to go out and pick up the cake (I am baking a cake later this week for a family birthday, so this one is bought). I so enjoy this traditional meal with the family.

So I will nee to clear the kitchen table, which should take 5 minutes, and at least part of the bar counter, which stresses me out and might take longer or end up being a stash n dash. Throw it all in a box and shove it in my room. I loved like this for decades. That's why my room is how it is. So with that thought, I have a couple hours before people begin to arrive, so I will try and actually put things where they belong. Maybe the bar counter will end up a 5 minute miracle?? It looks more like a 25 minute annoyance.

Interesting about the lemon pigs! And I hope the call with your mom goes better than expected.

SubC I will check and see if it has a replaceable battery. I didn't think of that! Thank you.

So, it had a very slight charge so I put a dry wipe on it and went about 75% under my bed and around some edges, but it was not picking anything up. I did get some dust and stuff on the dry wipe and threw that out.

Then I was looking for a pen organizer thing I used to have. I probably donated it. But need one now. This is the kind of thing that cranks up my anxiety - when I donated something and now need it. It makes it harder to donate things in the future. But I decided to spend the $6 on Amazon to get a nicer one that will last and is better suite to what I need. Then I thought, something in, something out. So I went into my guest room an pulled a tub off a shelf and sorted the whole tub. It is all stuff I sorted before, a couple years ago, and "had" to keep. But this time I ended up getting rod of probably a dozen things. They are in the donate box, which is now 2/3 full. I need to get it mostly full so I can go donate it all before I change my mind and start pulling things back out!

Now I am working on my planner.

One issue I am having is that I want to put my important keeps into the empty drawers and closet space in my room, but I can't. Why can't I?? I stand there frozen.

Good for you to get rid of pjs that aren't what you want! And congratulations on getting new pjs on sale!

Lila,what a shame that your husband is living in a hoarded mess. I'm so proud of you.

Lemon pigs, are either a new year's tradition or they are not. You take a lemon, cut in some ear flaps, put cloves for eyes, then make a slit and put a penny in the mouth. A little twirled aluminum foil for the tail. You can use toothpicks for the legs. I do not like the coins in the piggy's mouth so this year I'm going to skip that part. I am also considering leaving some of the pigs without legs. I have four lemons, so I can make up to four pigs. I've made one already.

Apparently President Hayes had a lemon pig or two and it's still in the archive. I won't keep mine last a week.

Okay I've decided not to leave a wood Christmas tree out. I gave a snack red reindeer planter with a plant in it. That will stay out. Rest is going to be packed up.

I an going for a walk soon. Thinking of going downtown to get some bagels from a particular downtown grocer. That will give me two miles of walking

I want to call my mother but I'm afraid she hates me. Will keep you posted.

Lila, we cross ppsted.

You may just need a new battery. Rechargeable batteries wear out. We just had to replace the one in our vacuum. Much cheaper than a new vacuum and less waste. I think Lowe's or Home Depot will recycle the old battery.

Yes, zone one is your prime real estate. The things you see every day and the places you spend most of your time. Zone one should be the most attractive and get the most care. You should have things you love that make you happy in zone one.

Tatoulia, I think I am going to need you to explain the making of lemon pigs.

I have been cleaning up in the house. It is now cleaner and more organized than when I got up. I want to be able to say that every night all year (well, unless I have company or am not home)

I have been going back and forth about some really nice pajamas I wanted for months. Dh kept saying "just buy them" but they were $67 plus tax and shipping. Today I got an email that they were having a sale. I bought two pairs of pajamas for me, three zip up footed sleepers for Bean (one is to wrap with his Christmas pj's next year) because he needs footies because he kicks the blankets off, and two pairs of pants for Bean. Came in just over their $100 requirement for free shipping.

I am going to put an old pair of pajamas and a pair of pajama pants in the donate right now. (They are still nice, but not super comfortable and I don't love the fabric.) I need to find a shirt to break even.

haha Road, I always pile stuff to sort on my bed too! So annoying at bedtime if it's not done!

Tatoulia, I get the guilt of being the well one. I have that issue myself. I won't get into it... but yeah. Allowing myself to be mistreated is not foreign to me. I am working on it. Boundaries are hard with people you love.

SubC, what is white rabbits? Zone one. Hmmm. So Zone one is the space that you interact with daily and affects you the most?

I am going to check on my swifr stick vac which I left charging for 24 hours but it was not sounding charged. I guess if it is barely charged, then it is trash, right? I will double check that I am using the right charger. I am worried if I throw it out, my husband will pick it back out of the trash. I always have to watch that. He is further into the hoarding illness than I am, I guess. Cannot throw anything away. But thankfully if he goes out of town and I do a purge he doesn't complain -- even his things, although my boundary is his den. I no longer go in there and purge or clean. That room is like what you see on the hoarding tv shows. No floor, stuff piled to the ceiling with a bed in the middle, cobwebs and 10+ years of dust. When it became a 'dirty hoard' 11ish years ago, I did clean it out when he was away and threw out almost everything! There were bugs and mice nests in his clothes etc. I could not let it spread to the rest of the house. Now, I periodically go in and look behind the piles for any mouse or bug evidence and there is none so far. But remember when I wrote a few months ago how he left town for a few weeks and I cleaned out the family room (next to his den) and took out like 60 boxes, many bags of trash, lots of donations and had it nice and clean? Well it is now hoarded up again so you can't walk, can't find anything. It's exhausting.

Anyway I better focus on my areas. I don't go in those areas much. I am keeping the living room, dining room, kitchen, closets and my bedroom clean - or that is my goal. His areas only get attention if he goes out of town and I can just throw everything out.

Happy New Year!

Rainy and mild here. We slept til noon. Kitty is eating and I've had half a cup of coffee.

SubC, I am sorry about your headache. Please rest and take it easy.

The five minutes cleanup last night made me happy. I mentioned that here because I wanted to memorialize (and hopefully normalize) the feeling.

Today I will pack up the Christmas stuff. I might leave in little wood Christmas tree out and about. But I think I need to just put the rest away.

I have made one lemon pig and have a few more to go.

And I need to get a donation bag together and to the car.

That's my day, God willing.

Good morning!

White rabbits for CM.

It's a new year.

I have started mine with a headache. I didn't even have a Champaign toast last night! I think it may be because I ramped up my caffeine consumption during the holidays. Trying to spin it back down. I took an ibuprofen instead of my usual wait and see approach. I don't want to lose my morning to a headache.

Tatoulia, I think you do far more for your brother than you need to. I'm sorry your mom has made you think so much about him again. Cutting out contact was a very wise and healthy choice.

5 minutes! That is the dream!

Road, I'm glad you feel encouraged and things are moving along for your son. This has been a long and stressful process and you are doing well.

Lila, your oatmeal sounds like a great choice! And hooray for slaying dust bunnies!

I have some under my bed that I want to get to today. I have been thinking about my home like my gardens - with the sacrifice paddock idea, and I was also considering zones. In garden planning, you put things like an herb garden or chicken coop that you visit frequently in "zone one" near your house. Zone one are the things you interact with every day. I was thinking that my bedroom is part of my zone one, but I don't make it a priority. But now, my headache has me thinking that my body is zone one and I also need to take better care of it so I can do the other things.

It's supposed to rain all day here.

Hello everyone, going to be a new year very soon here in Boston. Thank you all for your very kind and very supportive words. I saw mom just for a few minutes tonight. I had picked up herring and ritz crackers and ginger ale for her NYE. SHe was in the dining room so I put the bag on the back of the wheelchair and left quickly.

I managed to score a few covid tests today. BF and I had canceled NYE because I got scared again but after my negative test, we ordered in Thai from the place at the corner and it was so tasty. We then walked around Copley Plaza and I would have loved to stay longer but he got cold.

It took me only five minutes to straighten up the house before he came over. My house looks so pretty right now.

Everyone at work today was confused. Some had their out of office saying the office was closed, other people thought we were open til 2PM. In truth, we closed at noon today. I saw that my admin didn't log on so I suspect she thought we had the day off. She's a temp so she won't get paid and honestly, she's been working really hard. I've hired her as a full time employee and she starts on Monday, so she will get holidays paid in the future.

SubC. I know the feeling of having things ruined by moths. Two oriental rugs before I got out of the filth and the hoard. It was awful. One of the rugs I saved up for and it was so great. If I could go to your house and give you a clean closet, I would. I'd get rid of everything and present you with a clean and clear closet. I am so, so sorry.

Road, sorry that I confused the appt with the MRI. That is scary about the intubation. He will be peaceful during the MRI and the scan will be clear. Praying for him, and you.

Lila, that is so frustrating about the food! Good idea on the oatmeal. Here it is a few moments before midnight and I wish I had a big thing of ice cream to eat.

Ladies you are all doing such great work. I'm amazed. Vacuuming dust bunnies! For me, my goal tmr is to get a second bag ready for goodwill (I have one filled right now) and get them both to the car.

I found two aides tonight at mom's. I had an unaddressed card for one of them and the other I know I had made her a card but I hadn't recovered it and so I put a $20 in her pocket. She was very sweet about it. I have three cards left to give out but I bet I'll need more. I'll see who is there tmr. Yes I'll go again tmr.

I want you to know that I pay my brother's cable, internet, Hulu, and electricity. I no longer pay for his cell phone because I had gotten him a new phone and he chucked it down the sewer drain while calling me dirty names. Yikes. That's in the past and it's fine. He is severely mentally ill and stopped all meds several years ago and he thought his phone was following him around and that a number of people in Hollywood were dressing up in disguise and knocking at his door or walking down the street. And I allowed him to treat me poorly because of the guilt of being the well one.

But, according to my mother (and she's accused me of this my who,e life, not just now) I'm the bad guy. He once threw an entire Dunkin' Donuts coffee into my face while I was driving because I asked him about when he did something and he was screaming that I was accusing him of lying. Sorry. Here I go again

Happy new year. Let's continue to work thoughtfully in the coming year.

Subc, yeah I hear that. Maybe that's not ideal for those of us with many interests who actually need to simplify and streamline our lives more. I think it's more for people who maybe don't like what they do for a living or don't have much satisfaction with the status quo.

One good thing that came out of the medical clearance appt. was that the doctor who specializes in people w Down syndrome validated that he needed to have anesthesia. She said she's only ever had one client who was able to do the mri without it. I think we are going to shop for a new dr. Though. I need a little more support from a drs. Office due to my Own issues and even though they have great bedside manner I feel like they really dropped the ball a few times with this.

We seem to have gotten through the insomnia. I started giving him melatonin again and listening to a sleep meditation,

As for the cleaning, I got the floor cleaned out and the Christmas returns and garbage out of the room, I cleaned out the drawer and moved another table closer to use for the lamp... finally need to wash underwear again, I have so many pairs, haha, I could go another couple weeks for socks. I shoved needle work bin #2 back to its spot and moved some binders back where they go. I'm afraid I got my bed full of stuff I was sorting before I had to go down and make dinner so I still need to clear the bed. Sad face. Off I go to bedfordshire. Hope to stitch a bit tomorrow,,,

Happy new year to you all,

SubC, omg that is the hardest. When you save something and it is ruined. Mice got into a box in my garage an chewed and peed on a special dress I had saved for 20+ years. I was distraught. I understand. Going through the damaged stuff if SO much harder. Is there anyone you trust to come get rid of anything beyond saving? I agree with what Road said and wish we could all help each other in person.

Road, interesting that you mention making different use of the space. I was looking at apps online that let you move furniture around a room. I still don't have one I like for free, but the one I tried out, I was moving all the furniture around in there and trying to picture it. Thinking, do I want to move my bed to the other end of the room, or to the other side? My bed has been in the same spot for 25 years.

I really like Thich Nhat Hanh and have several of his books. There is a lot of wisdom in what he writes.

Soooo you know how I got myself an order of gourmet mac and cheese the other day? Ate half an put the other half in the fridge for today. Went to go get it out and my husband had eaten it. I was here all day, he didn't even ask. It made me mad. It was in a takeout container, did he not think it belonged to someone?? ugh. Then I went to have a piece of the toffee I made and that was all eaten too. So I got a bit grumpy. I used to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies and eat a dozen or more. But instead now when I crave doing that, I make a big bowl of plain oatmeal, add a little brown sugar and vanilla and a few chocolate chips, and eat that instead. Healthier, but a similar vibe. So I had that and now I feel ok.

I hope you can breathe and try not to worry about the MRI. I know how hard that is. But it has to be done, it will be fine, you will have new info that will help your son. Try to fin something else you can focus on while he is having it done, or maybe have a friend go with you. It's stressful.

It hasn't been a wasted year because I have Bean.

But sometimes he is not here, and then I remember that there are some other things I would like to be good at.

It just always seems like I should be further along.

Road, I like your quotes, but the list one scares me a little. That was kind of how I got into this mess. Spending time with my kids made me happy, collecting things made me happy, reading made me happy, gardening made me happy, animals made me happy, crafts made me happy.

But cooking and cleaning and clearing out and exercising did not make me happy. So I did not do them.

I think I need to find a way for laundry to make me happy.

My house is cleaner and more picked up and emptier and less moth infested than it was when I woke up this morning.

Happy new year!

Well, guys... I think I've decided to spend a few quality hours cleaning my room. I want to reclaim the floor space I've been working on maintaining since the summer.

And I'd like to share some quotes that have meant a lot to me and are good for starting a new year fresh.

"Because you are alive, everything is possible."

Thich Nhat Hanh

"Make a list of things that make you happy.
Make a list of things you do every day.
Compare the lists.
Adjust accordingly."

"The butterfly does not look back at the caterpillar in shame, just as you should not look back at your past in shame. Your past was part of your own transformation."

Tatoulia, the couple details you shared about your family physically hurt me reading it. I am so sorry you've had to experience that kind of trauma and that even though you've shut down a certain amount of it, sounds like you still have stuff coming at you. With our family relationships, it's all so fundamental or elemental to our identities that change has to happen in stages over years. You may get to a point where you cut off ties completely with your sibs and who would blame you. I agree with subc about your mom. I would absolutely chalk that whole card/tip thing up to her having a very confused day. I notice with my dad when he makes an error like that he lashes out right away and quickly makes up excuses for his behavior. in past years or even on a good day he would never behave like that. Maybe you can discreetly let some of the people know what happened. if a few of them tell you they received it you might be able to narrow down who did and didn't get their tips... But even if you can't do that it was very generous of you and not your fault that your gesture was foiled.

Subc, I hear you about the overwhelm you're feeling. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just secret Santa clean And organize each other's Houses? When I think of how insane I get when a friend or my husband tries to "help"me and then how I think I would just walk any one of you right into the heart of my hoard, turn around and feel secure with you seeing it and working on it without me even being here... cause I know you all understand. Anyway, tatoulia, and sub c, whenever you're having a bad day please remember how much you have helped others by your example and your wise advice... we can always shift gears if what we've been doing hasn't been achieving the results we want- but you have not done nothing. It has not been a wasted year. I hope you hear what I'm saying. 💕💕

I just overheard my mom telling my son "it's going to snow tomorrow" and My son saying "No, no, I don't think so." What a character.

Hi again,

I'm half way through...

Lila, I can so relate to what you're saying. I'll bet you noticed this too, but deep in the (Broken) heart of that long list of thoughts about the stereo box was that one little line "he died when I was 19." You are working your way through it and getting some good advice it sounds like. Interesting that you were noticing the empty space leaving you uncomfortable or with mixed feelings. I was imagining that you might while reading your description. Its really positive that you're starting to think of ways to use the space differently and future projects you might be ready to tackle that you couldn't before... I always liked how Peter Walsh would push people to envision how they wanted to feel In a given space... How they wanted to use the space. I really feel like that could help displace? Disperse? the uncomfortable energy (?) that gets released when we dislodge a large object that's been collecting negative energy or a lot of heart break. In other words, if we really have a developed idea how we want the space to be, then the empty spaces seem like a fresh opportunity instead of a crater where a bomb went off... Anyway, I'm kind of chewing on that idea tonight...

Ok, I was in such a zen like state when I started to write that and then one crazy high energy puppy zoomed up the stairs banked off the chair and into my face, knocking the iPad out of my hands, followed by an older dog and a big old teenager. all ended up in my room needing attention ... 2 wet shoes and 8 wet paws, and at least two of them were farting. Now I need to collect myself again.

Be back after I read the second half.

Hi all,

Looks like some stuff is going down here so I will go back and read up.

Everyone here tested negative and I was able to find some rapid tests so we are going to make use of those for a few weeks and make sure if we get it we don't pass it along to anyone.

Sons appt went fine. This appt was just for medical clearance for getting anesthesia with the MRI. MRI will be Jan 7th. That's the really nerve wracking part because they're doing the MRI to get a better look at his neck condition that makes it dangerous to get incubated and stuff like that (like you could have a spinal cord injury from a minor neck injury) . Hmmm what I'm trying to say there is that the IRONY is that with his neck condition you would avoid anesthesia where you might need to be intubated because it's more dangerous but they need to get a good look at it to figure out how dangerous it is, lol oh well anyway. They are going to be able to get all the lab work he needs while he's out so that's a little bonus. Also terrified that they may find something in his brain. No point in being terrified though unless it spurs you into action. But in my case it slowed me down from taking action. Oh well, we will know more in a week. Period. Thanks so much for your support.

Still haven't done any planning, but I will get there.

Going back now to read through.

Happy new year, people! So glad I found you,

Lila,

I am so glad you put some energy into taking care of yourself! Much better than choosing fast food. Now - go get a couple of your favorite blankets and make your bed cozy and inviting!

I am feeling frustrated and sad again. A few days ago, when the kids were here, dd1 and I went downstairs to look for some toys, and I discovered a moth problem. I was really upset, because it was in some fiber I saved from when I had animals that are gone now. Today I started cleaning it up. I actually managed to get through everything we found and accept getting rid of some stuff that made me sad. Then I thought "I should check this closet over here." the closet is an absolute nightmare and I just can't even face it right now. Not just moths, but mouse issues too. I just want someone to come take away everything that is damaged or infested without me having to look at it. It makes me so sad and angry that this happened because I cannot manage my life well enough to keep up with using and cleaning my stuff!

That is my reflection for today. Another year gone and I still have too much stuff and I suck at housekeeping.

Tatoulia, I would be livid about her taking the money. Reading your family dynamics I just want to give you a hug. And be your sister. I would be thrilled to have a sister like you. Obviously you are taking care of them - they are simply unable to see it for whatever reason. Please don't allow anyone to keep hurting you. Easier said than done, but, sometimes it's just not worth it. Myself, I have no siblings, and my parents both died 20+ years ago and all grandparents before that. Inlaws too. They should be so thankful to have you caring for them. Know in your heart you are giving them much more kindness than they deserve. I hope you are blessed in other ways for doing that. I don't know who here believes in God or spiritual things or what, but I pray God will take care of you with tender love of a father.

I can try the blankets. I have some kind of weird obsession with blankets, actually. Maybe because I didn't have any but one growing up. I kept buying nice, soft, fluffy pretty blankets but then I don't use them because I don't want them to get ruined washing them, or get dog hair on them. I have probably 20 blankets. Some are not even that nice, they are older. But there was a time when my kids were little and my husband left, when I had the power shut off. We were cold. I have a fear of the power going out in winter. So I hoard tons of blankets. Sigh. I did donate a couple this year though. I should get one out and enjoy it.

SubC, it is weird in my room now. And there are a lot of dust bunnies. I got out my swifffer hand vac and plugged it in to charge. I have not used it in over 2 years, but I have used the regular vac in there from time to time. It is charging and then I can clean a bit. You're right about the edges, they are layered in very thick dust so I will pull things in and try to vacuum the edges today, and get the dust bunnies rounded up.

I did the self care thing one of you mentioned. I showered, colored my hair, and shaved my legs. I feel much better. Thank you.

It is icy and snowy so I am not going out and I am glad. I am enjoying being home in the quiet. I did go in my room and consolidated two small boxes into one, and it is full of things to take to my office. The other small box got put in the trash. I will take the full box to my office on Sunday.

Wow, things have started to snowball in my room and it is changing fast.

Tatoulia, based on what she said about the cards and other things in the past, it seems your mom has good days and bad days.

I had a friend who said it helped to think of her mother having dementia like joining an improv troupe. She would show up and the first thing she would have to find out was if they were socializing or "rehearsing". And if they were "rehearsing", what was her role today?

If it was "evil, ungrateful daughter" she could try to turn the show into "evil ungrateful daughter makes amends" or "misunderstood and maligned daughter airs her defense and makes a hasty exit". But either way, she didn't take it personally - it was just the role the unwelcome director in her mom's brain had given her for the moment.

All my kids are gone and my house is quiet. Soon I will start cleaning up.

Thanks for the support, SubC. I cannot leave the cards at the front desk because we aren't supposed to tip the workers. Mom said she didn't want people coming in and stealing the cards, then she said that she didn't know the people who they were for, and she then said that she couldn't read the envelopes. These things are probably all true and I'm just so angry with her. And she did nothing wrong. And she said I abandoned my sister and my brother and now I'll abandon her. It was very upsetting.

I took care of my brother for two decades. I was seriously abused by him but I didn't notice his bad it was because he had gained so much ground. At one point near the end, I was driving and he pulled his fist back to punch me and I thought, I hope he breaks my jaw so I can get away from him. And I still do all of his paperwork and I sent him $150 for Christmas and he was thrilled. We email a few times a year and nothing personal is said between us. I sent him $250 for his birthday and he said it was too much. To depersonalize it, I say the cat sent it.

My sister, I send her gifts at Christmas and flowers on her birthday. I used to send her an advent calendar but then one December she wrote to me with a typical "I hate to tell you but"email (which loosely translates into, I cannot wait to tell you this, I have been planning this, and I hope it stings". In it, she said that she had all of my advent calendars, unopened, saying she didn't want them. This year I sent her two boxes and she acknowledged receiving them both but never told me if she opened them or thanked me. I included doll house furniture because I saw on Twitter that she got a dollhouse. So yes, tell me how I've abandoned everyone. I went into $40k in debt throwing money at my brother's problems (since paid off). So it is a pretty upsetting to be me today.

Oh dear Tatoulia,

Did she say why she did that? Is there a front desk or something where you could leave things like that in the future?

I hope the missing money was delivered. 🙁

Lila, I hope you get your jewelry cupboard hung. If the space is making you feel weird and you are afraid you will reclutter it, you can move some stuff that still needs sorted back from an edge. That would make the space smaller and allow you to adjust more slowly, and also to clean (dust/vacuum) from the walls of the room, which often become an issue with clutter.

Ok, going to bed at a more reasonable hour tonight. I need to shift my schedule back before school starts again next week!

A lot going on here!

Road, sending warm thoughts to you and your son. Let us know how you are, when you can.

Lila, you are doing a lot. I'm thrilled with the new space on the floor! One way to still feel cozy despite the new-found space is to layer your bed with blankets and quilts. You'll feel the warmth and comfort that a nicely made bed offers without feeling like you are spinning out of control with the empty space. Is this something you can try?

I am so happy you are making so many strides in your favor! I'm proud of you!

A lot going on with you, too, SubC! Thanks for the dough recipe. I don't have a pizza stone (nor do I have room for one) but that sounds both easy and delightful.

My mother angered me tonight. I spent time over the holidays writing out cards and tips for the workers at her place only to find that she had opened the cards, taken out the money, and thrown the cards away. I was furious. I went over there and told her that was $300 in tips and she said that it wasn't and in the end I recovered $110 and even found a card in the garbage with a $20 still in it. I found one in her dresser that she hadn't opened. I can't tell who did and didn't get tips and I can't find all the cards. Most people got $20, some got $30 and a few got $10. She insisted that there's no way I spent $300 but if I recovered $110 plus an unopened card, I think I've made my point. And she tore the cards open, so I cannot reuse them. What a waste. I'm so angry with her. And she returned the favor. We ended up okay but I'm still a little angry with her.

I came home and showered because I fear covid. My anxiety is pretty high. So I've showered and washed my hair twice today. We have work just til noon tomorrow, so that's pretty nice. Back to the full grind on the 3d.

I got my garbage out and cleaned the kitty box. I also changed my sheets because my ladies weren't here this week.

Okay, thanks for letting me vent.

SubC, yes! One habit a week really can add up! I am excited to see how that goes for you.

I got my son to bring the record player to the living room. It is beside the cabinet while I decide if the cabinet should be moved before we set it up (tomorrow). My bedroom looks WEIRD with that big box gone! I moved a couple other things to the eges of the room and now there is a big space of empty floor. I am not sure how I feel about that! Goo I think? But slightly disconcerting, not sure why.

I sent the full bag of trash from my room out to the curb, and started a fresh new bag.

The only other big, out of place item in my bedroom (that I want to face right now) is a wall mount jewelry box that was sitting on that record player box for 2 years. In fact, the jewelry armoire was sitting on a different box before that... maybe for 9 or 10 years. WHY? One of my kids gave it to me for Christmas. I was so excited about it! But it is BIG and has about a dozen spots to insert photos in the front glass. I kept putting off finding and printing photos for it so it sat. Then I gave up and asked my husband to hang it on the wall and I would do the photos later. But he never hung it even though I asked several times. So it sat there making me feel guilty all this time. It is big and heavy. I am going to set it on my bed (soon), pick some photos to stick in the frames, and hang it myself. I can get anchors and a level and figure it out myself. Then I can put all my jewelry in there instead of thrown in a drawer, in boxes, etc. That will free up a big chunk of floor space too.

I am done for the night.