Good evening.

Worked on the garden, porch, and studio today.

I've got three pots to finish before class tomorrow.

Not caught up on laundry and dishes, but happy with where I am. I took a couple of things off my to do list that had gotten added yesterday.

I also went to the feed store and dropped by the little, local library and got a card - only took me 20 years. I generally use the city system, and I have cards for two larger towns nearby, but not the one closest to my house! While I was there I checked out two books (my limit on my provisional card) and signed myself and Bean up for the summer reading program. I have to check out 12 books and read them to him in the next 5 weeks.

The porch is looking a bit better - no more piles on chairs.

So, today I had fun with Bean, and I mostly cleaned up after us, and I mostly kept up with the dishes and laundry.

For progress, I planted beans.

And for catch up I sorted out all the papers on the dining table on the porch and cleaned up most of the floor out there. There is another table half the size that is still buried, plus piles on three chairs. I recycled some things.

I am tired.

Good morning.

Tatoulia, I'm sorry this is so stressful for you and BF.

Today is a Bean day for me. His mommy is working at a job site, so I need to leave in an hour to meet them and pick him up. He should take an early nap. I plan to work on the dumping (dining) porch while he is napping today.

Off to do my chores...

I like the idea of having a vision, SubC. Thank you for explaining the difference between vision and goals.

Cm congratulations on not buying anything! Wow! And keep going in those under the bed containers!

I do not use my under the bed area for storage. Anymore. Used to, what a dusty disaster.

Lila! How are you, my dear?

Saw BF both Saturday and Sunday. His departure date is looming. I'm stressed. He's much more stressed than I am. I had to leave work one day this week due to a terrible stress headache. I'm not sure if I mentioned that.

Yesterday, we ran errands and then took a walk in the city. I got up early today (for me) because I wanted to buy a gift card for the college student who is friends with my mother. Then I went over early to mom's today, did a few things in her apt while she ate in the dining room, then sat in the living room with her. Mom got tired so I took her upstairs and then waited in the living room until the dear college student arrived. She is such a sweetheart. I encouraged her and mom to take pictures with the Polaroid camera my sister sent.

I returned two dresses that I bought because I am buying them two sizes too but for my current weight. I bought a pretty summer blouse. I tried it in first. I'd brought two sizes to the dressing room and the smaller size (medium) was plenty roomy. Pretty nice!

Bf came over and we sat on the stoop and eventually he took me to the store to get something heavy that I needed.

That's the news from my neck of the woods.

Well, my "keeping up" things today were laundry, dishes, and finishing off/cleaning out a few old containers in the fridge.

For catching up, I got the pile of handwash/delicates off my dressing table.

And for "progress" I worked in the basement and on the dining porch - mostly sorting stuff. There was an overflowing big box of markers (big enough to hold two gallon jugs and be taped shut) I watched a movie and went through the whole box - dried up markers are back in the box to go to school and be recycled. Working permanent markers are in a gallon ziplock bag, working expos are in another ziploc bag to go to school, working regular markers are in an art bin. I also found a bag of fabric that can go to the thrift store.

Dinner's ready.

CM,

Good for you exercising and not buying things!

I am at the end of my first week post evaluations.

I watched YouTube, I read, I slept without an alarm, and I got progressively less done every day. I think it has been good for me.

My ddil said that when she quit teaching, she mostly slept for 2 months. I also ran across a quote in my wandering this week that: "inspiration does not cure burnout. Rest cures burnout."

I told my Dh I was trying to get bored enough to really want to do something, but I don't think that will happen. At least not over a reasonable time period. I'm going to start planning and scheduling things again today, so next week will be more structured. I have stopped having bad dreams about school.

In another discussion group, I wrote out a vision for what I would like my life to look like. I was told it was very reasonable if I have a full time staff. I asked mr. kitty if he was willing to be my full time staff and he informed me that I and his full time staff, so I suppose I need a more realistic vision. But I'm starting with what I've got. I can keep asking myself if my actions are in harmony with my vision. I like the "vision" better than "goals" because it encourages me to also enjoy the things I can already do and not be constantly striving.- if I wake up rested, I am living in harmony with my vision. If I spend the day with my grandson, I am living in harmony with my vision. Feeding the animals, throwing a pot..

It's supposed to rain today, which is good, because the garden desperately needs it. So I will mostly do things inside.

Haha, I went both places - but didn't buy anything at the sale, and was only there maybe ten minutes. Yesterday was the opening day, so I imagine it's picked over today, but honestly it looks like we didn't get as many donations period. The main reason I went was because usually I help them out some, but this year was so goofed up for me timewise and I really didn't want to. Yet I felt bad playing hooky. So it was sort of a guilt salve, I went, I looked, and satisfied myself that the ones working looked like enough people and not run ragged. I didn't go out of my way to make my presence known, just quietly slipped in and out. I'm so introverted plus socially awkward that I can go unnoticed if I choose to in a scenario like that. Said hi to one of the men and one lady I don't know, that was it.

The gym time was good; I'm still getting up to speed. Really need to resume my physical therapy exercises to help my abdomen and be able to do a real workout on the machines like I used to. Did get my heart rate up in the pool a bit. Last Saturday I had donated blood, so I didn't want to overdo it if I shouldn't, but really I felt fine.

I'd washed the underbed boxes because they were dusty, and went into my room to check - there are still two under the bed, so I'm not sure what happened - perhaps originally there had been three? One is the one that extra lid belongs to. Then another one with a lid. I hope roommate will agree that they can go too. The one I cleaned earlier I already put in my van so we can take it somewhere.

The room still needs a lot - trashy clutter is tedious but can be dealt with. Things that I will be using need to be organized, accessible, and still leaving room for walking in there and other things that I have missed being able to do like normal people. 😛

CM, so glad you got that done! I know it is a weight off of you!

It would be lovely if you could get two under bed boxes out of your room! Those are large items. I am not a fan of them either. I used to like them, but I like being able to vacuum under the bed more.

It may be too late for this, but Here is what I think - if you go to the gym, it will move you closer to your goal of getting in better shape.

If you go to the sale, it can only move you farther from your goal of decluttering.

Choose the gym.

Finally got my stupid Medicaid form DONE yesterday. What a relief! About fried my brain. Was going to fax it but the library wanted a dollar a page so I took it to the post office instead. It's outta here.

Roommate likes underbed boxes; I generally loathe them. No judgment on anybody who does find them useful, but I just don't. Too hard to get in and out, for one thing. So she had had a couple under my bed when I moved in, because mine was originally the guest room. At first I used them, then it became a hassle. Granted, part of the reason is that there is stuff blocking the way - but that can be addressed and needs to - still, I don't care for the shallow underbed boxes.

So finally one day I had extricated one and somehow during the craziest expansion of clutter in this household (perhaps a litte prior to Covid time, certainly during it), that box and two lids ended up on top of my girl bunny's cage, where they have resided, gathering dust, for a long time. Roommate indicated she might want to donate it. So today I got it off there, rinsed box and two lids (the other box MAY still be under my bed? I will check soon). Now it can be gotten rid of. If I find the second box, I will see if we can get rid of it as well.

I'm still getting my energy back after the form, didn't go to church garage sale yesterday which was the first day. Might drop by for a brief bit but also hoping to head to the gym. Have my swimsuit and stuff packed in the van ready to go.

Went to my east side cousin's yesterday which was a longer drive for me, and decided to take along some favorite music CDs to play. I had been listening to the Catholic radio station for about 3 years or more, but awhile back they changed the format to more prerecorded programming and it's just not as interesting at the times of day I'm usually driving. Anyhow, having my Josh Groban playing really helped relax me while driving! So I'm hoping that'll be a thing that gets me more in the groove about going places and not feeling anxiety. Sometimes the little things can make quite a difference.

Yes, it's common with autism.

It might seem weird that you wouldn't know how you feel, but you know how sometimes people think they are angry or sad, but they are actually hungry or tired? It's like that.

You feel adrenaline, but your brain learns to differentiate excitement or fear. "Happy" has a lot of chemicals in common with other states.

Look at us - does having all this stuff actually make us happy?

I'm sorry you got sucked into working. Hopefully you will get to really take today off.

I did almost nothing useful yesterday. I sat on the couch and I watched three movies and I let the physical tension leak out of my body to the point where I'm starting to cry it out for silly reasons, which I have realized after hitting this point more than once is actually progress and something I am going to have to go through rather than around.

I'm in the garden again this morning.

I got sucked into working for the last 4 hours, my volunteer work, which is somewhat tied in to my work work, until the end of the year. So I was getting emails and calls and texts about certain issues and it just had to be taken care of. Lots of time on the phone and writing notes and emails. It is almost finished. I just need confirmation from 2 people on a meeting time, then send the invite and reserve the space, oh, and call the other volunteer leader.

I was hoping to get more done in the house, but really Friday and Saturday are my actual days off, so at least I got to do this work from home.

I did pack up some extra produce and give it to a neighbor.

I had to look that word up, SubC! I never heard of it before. It seems to maybe overlap autism symptoms? Now sure. I think I am the opposite of alexithymia, if there is such a thing. I am hyper aware of my feelings and can describe them richly and in great detail to the point of annoyance (I think - I do have trouble reading people sometimes, but often after I have a conversation with someone I think back and go - oh, I think I went on too much, I should have not talked so much. Which is weird because I am a quiet introvert but I have little regulation once I get started).

Anyway. Your ducks and bunnies to sound so nice, like I'd want to sit outside in a lawn chair with iced tea and just enjoy their presence.

I got started:
- watered the front yard plants
- pulled weeds in back for 10-15 minutes and became exhausted
- cleaned dog puke off the dog bed and put it in the washing machine
- took a box with a few rotting onions out to the trash. Ugh!
- cut up a fresh pineapple, ate a few pieces
- sliced some bread I got at a bakery the other day, froze a few pieces, and toasted one for my breakfast

Now I am sitting here sipping Pepsi, which is a rare occurrence because not only do I rarely buy soda, but Coke is better...

I think as it is peaceful, I will work on my planner a bit. I like writing down priorities and goals for the day, and then crossing them off later.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming (wonder what time CM comes on..)

I'd love to see a road show special too.

Anyway,

Slow start this morning. I got the dishwasher unloaded, the chores done, and the problem goat moved out to summer pasture (he's a problem goat because he's good for nothing but a buck companion, and I don't currently have a buck. Also, he's overly friendly and sometimes bites me.)

I turned the ducks loose in the yard and put the bunny in his "bunny hopper" it looks very idyllic out there, so I should be happy, but I think it's going to take me a while to recover.

I've started to pay attention to my behavior, because I have started wondering if I have a touch of alexithymia. I'll be doing something that I think will be/is relaxing, and I'll realize my shoulders are tight or I'm biting my nails. Other times I'll catch myself singing and think "oh! I'm happy." I keep thinking back to Dh asking me if I was on drugs when i came home from school that last night (did I tell you that?) when it has been so long since you've been really relaxed and in a good mood that someone asks you that - changes need to be made!

Hello! I'm glad to see the show still going on, commercials and all! I hope you all are well today. I caught up on reading.

I am quite tired. It is rainy looking, which makes me sluggish. I had several days of just dealing with Teen and my pup, various medical and mental issues between them. I think today may be calmer. Tomorrow I have to take Teen on a road trip for an appointment, so I am hoping for a good time together.

Today I do not have to work, although I will perhaps do an hour of work at home, making appointments, emailing, etc. Nothing too hard. I do need to make a list of priorities because things are getting away from me.

I hope to be productive at home today, decluttering and cleaning. I feel the chains of addiction to 'things' breaking off, somewhat... so want to take advantage of this time to DO things. Tomorrow is trash day and I will try to fill the bins.

What are you all up to today? I hope some of you will post - I plan to have multiple updates as I accomplish things! It makes me feel good to report in here, like someone is noticing what I am doing.

Good morning!

Tatoulia, thanks for the commercial break.

Hugs to you. I know it is hard for you that your BF is leaving and this seems like a particularly rough time with all that is going on with your mom.

Yesterday I left home. I dropped trash and recycling, returned the bins i borrowed, got some stuff from my classroom, and went to my class. I think I am still not ready for people again. I got very irritated by some things at school that are quite minor and I had trouble interacting at class.

I had nightmares about school last night.

Today garden and I don't know what else.

Commercial brought to you by Tatoulia!

All is well here. I'm working to pare down further. Both things I own and my weight. I've lost a total of 34 lbs. would like to hit 40 lbs.

Bf is still here and will be gone by the end of the month. I wish he'd stay til 4th of July. In the event he is still here, I have taken off the 5th. Some years they give us the day after off. Not this year.

Mom's dementia is worse after her heart attack. She's not sure who I am. Sometimes she asks and sometimes it's just obvious. She tells my sister that she never sees me because I'm mad at her truth is I see her six days out of seven. I did not see her tonight because I had to work in office today plus I was having a friend over for dinner.

Cleaners came here today and at mom's, so I know her cat has fresh water. Mom does weird stuff now like putting cat's food on a piece of bread or on a napkin. One day she thought she was out of cat food (never) and she gave the cat half her breakfast which was eggs, bacon, toast. I really love her for that.

My new old cat is delightful. She's such a sweet little thing.

I'm back at office again tmr. I'm presenting to my company. I think I'm ready for it. I'll try to get to office early to center myself.

Good morning,

I didn't update yesterday but I did get some things done in the garden, yard, and pottery studio. I have a plastic bag of trash to take with me when I go to school and class tonight (more things yet to get from/clean up in my classroom)

Bean called me from his vacation yesterday.

Apparently the lila show is on break and we are now stuck with the Subclinical show.

Goid morn8ng!

I am feeling much better today.

Dh has gone in to work early and will be home late after playing golf tonight, so I have 15 lovely uninterrupted hours stretching out before me.

I'll report back later.

Hope the gas cap was just loose.

My headache is mostly gone, but I am still weak and wobbly. I did my chores and I made myself some scrambled eggs on toast - when I started eating them I felt like I was ravenous - I had to remind myself to slow down and chew. So maybe I just burned through all my energy reserves yesterday.

I used to drink a lot in college. My best friend did not and we would go to parties together and he would keep an eye on me. This morning I felt pretty much the way I used to feel when he would take one look at me, put a glass of water and two Tylenol on the table, and start scrambling eggs. If I ate the eggs early enough, I'd be ok. And, as he said "if not, eggs come up easy." So they've always been my go to for uncertainty.

I've lost the cool part of the morning, but I'm going to go out and cut chamomile. I noticed yesterday that it is blooming. And it is a quiet, sitting job.

I hope you feel better soon, SubC, and thanks for the empathy and relatability re the convoluted thinking patterns, although I'm sorry you've had the aggravation too.

The van threw a code this morning, GASCAP, which can just mean the gas cap is loose, or it can mean other things in the fuel lines or something. So now I have to factor in whether to have that looked into, or what. If I had all kinds of money I would. But I don't. I cleared the code and tightened the gas cap, and am going to drive around and hope it doesn't do it again or worse yet give the check engine light.

Oh CM,

I do things like that all the time. And then my very helpful family says "a normal person would." thank you family, that is very helpful. - sarcasm!

I hope today goes well.

Great job on the garage sale drop!

Lila, all that stuff I did yesterday laid me out cold. I went to bed at 9:30 and woke up at 4:30 with a headache. I used the bathroom and tried to go back to sleep, but the moon was too bright. Got up a little after 5 and tried to drink coffee. My body rebelled and I napped off and on on the couch until six, then crawled back in bed. I got up again about 9 and had some water and ibuprofen for my headache. In the last 30 minutes all I've managed to do is type this and sip coffee.

I think the adrenaline wore off and my whole school year landed on me. I really want to go back to bed, but it's a gorgeous day and someone has to milk the goat and feed the animals.

Hopefully the headache will be gone soon.

Today I dropped off the garage sale stuff at my church. I'm guessing 8-10 cubic feet. They are accepting donations for a couple more days but it depends on whether I have a vehicle to go to storage and see if there's anything else I can easily decide about in a short time.

The guy who I've found to replace the window motor, his shop opens at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I am seeing in hindsight a possible "comedy" of errors. I had nursed that tire through Memorial weekend, and Tuesday morning I'd gone to Mass, and driving back I thought oh, he's not open. So I thought he must have taken another day off. Because he has sometimes been closed for vacation. This is an example of how my mind can draw a quick conclusion and forget to consider other possibilities. I didn't pull in and look at the sign of the shop hours. So then I went to that other place and things blew up.

Sigh... well, now I know. There are so many things to keep track of, and people do things different ways. Most mechanic shops I've gone to years ago were open at 7:00 or 8:00 in the morning. This guy is different. He was probably there last Tuesday if I had just checked, and I could've gone when he opened. I don't like making phone calls - and maybe that wouldn't have told me anything if he didn't answer his phone until 10:00. It's just one of those things I should've put two and two together but I'm rather bad about that sort of thing. The holiday caused me to make an assumption which was likely wrong. Well, I'll try to be more on the ball in future. Seems like I either overthink things or don't think enough.

I pray everything goes smoothly tomorrow.

Lila,

I am hot and tired and sweaty. My knees hurt. I need to lose 25 pounds. I got short of breath dumping the wheelbarrow.

Stubbornness is my superpower.

Unfortunately I am unable to apply it to things I don't want to do (like the things I would need to do to lose 25lbs.)

Yay for finally getting rid of the clothes! I am proud of you too!

X can deal with the glass when he moves out. Teen is his child too.

I grouped some like with like things in the basement. That is all.

My new tablecloth is on the table. Dh likes it. He played golf today and he stopped at a thrift store and bought three new golf shirts. I have recycled/binned their packaging and washed them and they need to go in the dryer. I also cut Dh hair, so now the sheet that goes around his shoulders needs washed. Keeping up is hard.

Wow SubC, your work is inspiring. It is making me think about how my weight and health issues has affected my life, and how much I need to lose weight and build my stamina back up. I can do SO little before being exhausted! But I sit down and rest and am making myself get back up. My knees hurt sooo bad though.

I am so proud of myself - I went downstairs and sorted all the piles of clothes that are Teen's but they threw them in the other room and "don't want them." Most of this stuff I have saved for years and refused to part with. Well I managed to bag up 45 pieces of clothing and threw them out! (Due to possible bugs and no time to wash). I feel much lighter, and great that they are gone. I put them on the daily tally.

These clothes were in the room my ex has his stuff in (renting). I see there is broken glass all over the floor in there too from where Teen had a rage of some sort. I left it. Maybe another day, or maybe they can clean it themselves.

I have the baby library. Bean has actually worn out a lot of ds's clothes. I felt badly about that for about three seconds, then ds said "that's fine." And dd1 said "but (bean) has new stuff to pass down." And dsil said "he (meaning ds) wants a girl anyway."

I walked out and dumped the wheelbarrow full of smelly duck bedding so I can put new smelly duck bedding in it tonight when I put the ducks away.

And my new tablecloth arrived. It is in the washing machine and the packaging is all sorted into the correct recycling.

I finished unloading the car, and I finished putting the groceries away. Not being exhausted is good. I am going to go see what I can do in the basement - at least until the washer stops.

It sounds like a great day to me, SubC! All that work. Be sure to recognize all you have done already! It sounds to me like the kind of work that feels good, too.

I baked a rhubarb coffee cake. Then sorted one bag of fresh greens and put the good leaves all into one of my "stays fresh longer" containers. Then sorted another bag of spinach and cooked what was good and put it in the fridge for later. That all takes up less room and won't spoil as fast as those leaves were going.

Looked in the fridge and threw out a few old things. I still need to look on the bottom shelf.

You're right about the stuff, and short of some miracle cure and massive shift to normalcy, I don't expect Teen to have kids. I actually saved a lot of their baby clothes because they are super cute, nice brands. They are in the garage and I am going to get them out and start letting the grandkids wear them. Teen always gripes and wants them back for their kids, even though they don't want kids... so, I am just going to enjoy my grands in them. And if DIL wants to give a few back for Teen, so be it, but I am over it.

Teen wants to come home today. We need to figure out the clothing situation. I will go down before they get home and dispose of most of that pile that is too small/styles they don't like. I didn't wash them, and they had thrown them in another room, so I'll be throwing them out... just in case they have bugs. Ugh. I will report on the Daily Tally.

Lila, you can save some things, but maybe focus on saving the things you are saving for YOU. you can also offer things to the households of the grandchildren you have now. These things don't have value to teen and you don't know if they will choose to have children or care then. All you know is that right now they break things and you are trying to prevent that at the cost of wear and tear on you.

My ducks are grazing on the lawn.
It feels like summer.

So far today I took my vitamin, moved the chicken tractor so I could rotate the goats into a new field, I planted six habanero pepper plants and three more replacement tomatoes (the tomatoes got too leggy and I didn't harden them off properly) and weeded three beds of greens and root crops. I cut a bunch of lower limbs off a cedar tree that is in what will be a flowerbed/boarder next to my driveway (tree stays, I just need a few feet of clearance under it) and I let the ducks out.

It's not a bad start. Now it is hot and I'm trying to decide if I have the creative energy to go work in the pottery studio or the executive function to go work in the basement, or if I should just read.

I want cake, but I ate carrots, but now I think I might have cake also. The cake is a low sugar dark chocolate.

Thanks for the encouragement, SubC! I am glad I did it. We ended up eating the artichokes plus some asparagus I found in the fridge, plus watermelon. I also had a kiwi. Sounds like you had a productive day, too!

I skipped church this morning since I desperately need a day at home to just do what I want. Teen's room is done. I will go in there and see if I see any bugs, but I think Teen will come back today. I do need to wash bedding in the other 2 rooms, but probably not today.

I also changed and washed out the cat litter box 2 days ago as Teen had not done it and it was gross.

This morning I had coffee and an English muffin. Loaded the dishwasher which is running. I think I will get the kitchen cleaned up a bit and work on gathering trash and donations from the two rooms upstairs and my room. Somehow as things keep getting broken by Teen, my attachment to things is kind of changing. Looking at all their childhood things shattered on the floor and seeing them give away their clothing to friends makes me realize how little control I actually have over things, and how little they matter.

As CM said, it's not worth my peace.

May as well donate and get rid of things before Teen destroys them. I have to get over the sadness of not being able to keep precious things for my grandkids to enjoy. They would have really liked those porcelain angels, and the pretty glass prisms. But there will be other things, and the time spent is what is more important.

I have been updating the Declutter your Waistline thread and also the Daily Tally thread. Let's see how many I can add to my Daily Tally today!

Yay artichokes!

Artichokes and pasta sounds good.

I had pasta with fake meat tomatoes sauce. And a piece of chocolate cake and milk.

I am caught up on the dishes!

(The dishwasher is running and there is a pie pan soaking, but the pie pan was used after my in-laws left on Sunday and just got empty.)

I mostly unloaded the car and I mostly put the groceries away.

Well, Son would like artichokes so I am going to cook those. I went as far as to look at pizza online and start and order, and then thought about the waste of money and closed that window. But I prob will dig in the freezer to see if there is anything to go with the artichokes. If not, I might just cook a bit of pasta with it.