This morning I was looking all over the house for something I need, and I was very frustrated, and I couldn't find it, and I was grumpy. I told dh I had moved it too many times. But I took a break to do something else, and then I just looked again, and I found it, and I put it on the stool in the entryway. And dh said "you just moved it again."

And I said "but i won't lose it here, this is a staging area." And he said "the entire house is your staging area." Which hurt.

But I am learning to stand up for myself. Even if I am in the wrong, I do not deserve to be treated badly. And if I have made you angry or disappointed, or frustrated, it is still wrong for you to be mean to me.

So I said "that is unfair. Do you know how easily I get discouraged and how hard this is for me and how much I have accomplished?"

He gave me a hug and said "you're right. I'm sorry. Do YOU know how much you have accomplished?"

I asked "how much?"

And he said "you have accomplished so much that it doesn't bother me anymore."

Wow.

Hi SubC, I know it's idrational but please treat yourself well. Don't beat yourself up. You are experiencing anxiety and panic and I feel so sorry for you. I have been there and know how awful it can be. So please say nice things to yourself.

Good work on whittling down the T-shirt's! Last night I ended up starting a bag for goodwill and I included a vase that I've had for many many years. The vase held this giant bouquet of flowers my then-boyfriend sent me when I received my graduate degree. So off it goes. I'm really happy about that. I've also included two cloth napkins to try to reduce the number that I have.

Tillie I hope you are on the mend.

I washed one of mom's duvets late last night. BF and I had gone out and then had dinner at his house. I am going to cook dinner for mom before I head up to her house. I know she's going to want me to get her out today but I want to work on some of the gross stuff in her apartment.

My bedroom is looking good! I'll work a bit more on it today and then move on. I took my recycling out last night. I absolutely love the feeling of getting things out of my apt. Love it.

Thanks Tatoulia,

I hate it because I know it's irrational, but I still can't seem to keep myself from spiraling out of control.

How is you bedroom going?

Dh helped me with my plain t-shirts before he left today. I just put them on one after the other and he said keep or toss. I kept three and put four in the donate bag. He said I could keep a fourth one, but I saw his face while he was deciding. Now there is a little extra space in my dresser, so I may move some things around.

Yay for feeling better, Tillie, and yay for the big orange cat! I have been worried. Glad to hear you can eat a little again. I bet the tomato soup was delicious.

SubC you certainly have had your fair share of anxiety and worry lately and I'm so sorry about that. Try to breathe and sip tea. I'm so sorry. As a champion worrier I do understand. And the anxiety really can take over; you can't even sleep peacefully.

I am doing two loads of laundry and changing my sheets. I got a hair cut last night and had a great deal of fun talking to one of the other customers. Turns out that we both lived in the very same apartment. I lived in it late 80s until I bought my condo, and she and her husband lived in it starting in 2000. Isn't that odd? Also, last week during jury duty one of the jurors lived in that building, but not the very same apartment. Very fun to talk about the building. I enjoyed living there.

Ok I need to look at things realistically. Will start with the bedroom. BF and I are getting together at 3PM. So I'll need to look alive.

Tillie, I am glad you are feeling better and that you have a big orange kitty to love you. Keep resting.

I slept until almost six this morning, I might have slept longer, but MY kitty was very upset by this change in our routine and finally I insisted I get up and let him out.

I dreamed that my husband and my son cleaned out the basement. It was very stressful and upsetting. I woke up and was happy that my basement is still a mess I have to deal with.

I was very tired last night. I overplanned all of my classes because I was was so stressed out, and then instead if just realizing that I had enough activities and information for two sessions I tried to finish as much as possible. Fortunately by the last class I had come to my senses and I just explained the card game, we matched the footprints with the animals and talked a little about why the prints looked the way they do (some animals have retractable claws! Some hop!) and then they made their own cards to take home and play with their families. Most of them finished, and some of them had time to play a round or three with classmates. And they all had time to help me clean up!

My third class ran four minutes into my fourth class and I will have to review the stuff I spent the last ten minutes "previewing" just so that their homework would make sense, my second class ran ten minutes into lunch and left me with all the cleanup, and my poor 1st period high school kids were so confused by the activity I tried to rush them through that I will have to start over on it next week and try to undo the damage.

I am trying to regroup this weekend. My goal is to not leave the property until Tuesday. Dh has a "meeting" to call into this morning and then has to leave around noon and will be back in the evening. I don't know yet if he has to work tomorrow.

My first goat is due today, but she is not bagged up yet, so I think she will go late. Today is day 145, and the latest a goat has ever gone here was her mother - who went to 157 once. I was expecting a dead kid from that, but everything was fine, so if she goes very late I will remember genetics and not worry.

I am two weeks late starting my tomato and pepper seeds, so that is important today, and I need to set up my desk and get my classes in order for next week. I have also been struggling to get out and work in my pottery studio, so I want to make that a priority this weekend. Plus, I need to demessify my house and run some laundry.

I have been thinking about why I am so stressed out. Part of it is the not knowing - I am working on a list of things that (have to) happen before we find out our teaching schedules for next year (in 19 days) so that I can distract myself with some short horizons. Also, I cleaned out the laundry room, and newly open spaces actually make me very unsettled. It takes me a while to adjust. I think if I had a whole house clean out, I would admire the beautiful new space, and then I would build a blanket fort in the corner and crawl into it and cry. I think the basement dream was a reflection of this. I may go down there and putter around if I start to get panicky again.

Hi Guys 🙂

Today all the excruciating total body pain finally subsided.
I was able to get out of bed, yea.
Had tomato soup with cheez-its and a banana.
Had absolutely no desire to eat before.
Do not know what the $#@& went wrong with my body.

Yesterday's weather was fantastic!
Snow, rain then more snow.
Then dark, dark gray clouds blew over with lots of thunder and dumped a major hail storm down on us.

My big orange kitty stayed by my side in bed all the while I was down.
Today he has stayed right by me being very affectionate and needy.
He takes very good care of me.

Checking in on Tillie, SubC and CM. Let me know how you are feeling and faring.

Tillie,
I hope you are feeling much better!

Tatoulia, i'm glad you had a nice Valentine's Day.

My dear Tillie, I am so sorry youve been sick. I wish you a happy Valentine's Day anyway. Sending you warm wishes and prayers for a speedy recovery.

SubC thank you for having some calming tea. I can imagine how you feel. I too cannot enjoy before and after pictures. Not because I might miss some object, but because I find it awful to see my life so objectively. Take good care of those dear goats. I think you are wonderful in every way and I bet the mamma goats can sense your love and caring nature.

Cm congratulations on the bunny newsletter. Like all of us, you have a lot going on right now. I know I feel that I'm having a difficult entry into 2019. Hopefully things will smooth out for each of us soon.

Tillie I am grateful that you did your shopping. I'm not sure if you can eat or not but try to get some liquids in you. My mother used to give me an ice cube. That way, I could get some liquid in me but I wouldn't throw it up.

We were able to finish part one of our task today. Someday maybe I'll feel more comfortable discussing the volunteer work. I'm back to office tmr and I am grateful for that.

BF and I had a delightful dinner out tonight. I took one of the array of desserts we ordered home to mom. BF also sent her a pint of Hagen Daas white chocolate truffle raspberry ice cream I have to get over to mom's this weekend. She had a lot going on in her apartment and it all needs some attention.

SubC please breathe. Deep breaths. Come here anytime you are panicking and I'll do my best to help you calm your worries.

Goodnight, dear hearts. Tillie please see if you could have an ice cube or a sip of very weak tea.

Just a quick note to let you all know I have been real spooky sick.
Think the worst of it is over for now.
My eyes can tolerate the computer screen light again.

CM,

I am glad you got your bunny newsletter done. I hope you come back soon to tell us everything is ok with your loan. Those big things make such a difference when they are off our plates.

I swam 2900 meters.

I had a large glass of wine (with dinner - I made dinner, dh brought home wine, we are so romantic)

I am still panicking. But very quietly. I appear oh so composed.

Hi,

Happy Valentine's Day

Been juggling too many balls in the air this week - getting the bunny club newsletter out, returning to quilting since the bad weather let up, and much misc. Plus the everyday this and that, which I have such a difficulty integrating with the variable thises and thatses from one day to the other.

This weekend is the bunny club's quarterly meeting, my roommate is going out of town so I will have all the cat, bunny, and fish care. Dog goes with her, thankfully, one less to remember and deal with. And we may have bad weather.

So anyway, I finally got the bunny newsletter wrapped up around 1:00, and now it's down to something that's been waiting to get done for a month, a very important thing that just hasn't gotten done because of my scatteredness. I have to renew my Income-Based Repayment Plan for my stinking student loan debt.

Went to do it and the dumb website wouldn't take the password I so carefully have made note of - it locked me out and made me answer questions and make a new password. Fine. Then it said I can't use them to login for half an hour! *Flames and smoke coming out my ears* I'm just glad I'm not at the library with my computer use being timed.

I will check in again to celebrate when I get this accomplished, because today is the day I'm determined to get it checked off my list. It seems like so early after the holiday lull that everything needs doing at once, y'know?

And you are not pathetic!

You are amazing and inspirational.

Hi Tatoulia.

I stopped. I made myself a cup of tea (peppermint chamomile) it was too hot so I watered my plants.

I came back with my tea to read your post. Three times.

I went outside and set up the kidding stall and put the two goats who are due this weekend in it. I trimmed the hooves on the one whose hooves always get extra bad when she is pregnant and I have to admit I had neglected them.

The first kids would have been viable if they had been born two days ago, and the second kids are viable today. So I am three days late on this job. But the kids aren't here yet, so that is ok.

I try really hard to avoid before and after pictures, because the before pictures are depressing and because I am afraid I will see a thing I got rid of and trigger remorse. So my progress exists only in my unreliable head and the stories of people who have actually been allowed to see the bad areas. There are very few of those.

But I know there have been years that I have been in denial or counted wrong until I found myself in a freezing barn with poor momma goat cordoned off in a makeshift zone with her babies while I deperately tried to get the kidding stall to a minimum level of function. Sometimes late at night. I have even had babies born in the field. So, there is that.

Then I read your post some more and made myself a healthy lunch.

I do want all the classes, i'm just afraid I can't handle them. Every year I have added more classes. This year I have one on Tuesday, 5 on Wednesday, one on Thursday, and four on Friday.

We are four weeks into the seven weeks between turning in class requests and seeing the schedule. So by now, the director has probably done the majority of replacing non-returning teachers, finding coverage for classes she wants to keep that the teacher wants to drop, and working out her preferred list of offerings. Then she has to try to match them with open spaces during the times the teachers are available to create a varied and reasonable slate of schedule offerings for the kids. There are a lot of factors. If by some weird twist of fate she has actually given me everything I requested, now is not the time to tell her I changed my mind!

I threw out another pair of old shoes. I chopped everything up so I can fix dinner for dh in 20 minutes tonight. I ran the dishwasher.

I think I am actualky doing better. When things get better, when there is no pressing emergency "I am behind and I have to do this NOW", when things start to become routine, that is when I panic. I can't trust it.

I truly cannot imagine what it would feel like to be "normal". to have a home that didn't have piles or random boxes of belongings stored in odd places, to have every floor cleared in every room. Cannot imagine.

Deep breath in, hold it, exhale slowly. Please repeat.

SubC you seem to be panicking. You are doing a lot. Teaching (and I'm no professional; I teach a few classes at work during the year) requires an unbelievable amount of energy. The first time I taught a class, I was shocked at the amount of energy expended. Five classes in a day? Huge output. Huge. In addition, it's tough to be "on" for that amount of time. Breathe.

also, could you have a large glass of water or milk right now? I'll wait.

The self-doubt you are feeling is amplified right now. The short answer is, we are doing what we can. Would it be possible to tell the principal that you have suggested the heavy class load in order to give her flexibility and options when choosing the classes? Let her know that you don't expect all of your "wishes" to be " granted"?

Breathe. We are here. You are doing great. And if you can reflect, your life is probably measurably easier now that you have cleared out some areas of your house. Could you look back a year and look at your progress?

I am 55 years old and still can't make it to work on time. I'm pathetic.

Tatoulia, I am very happy for you for your weight loss and pretty clothes!

I am learning that Wednesday's are hard I keep thinking that Wednesday's should be easier because I don't exercise in the evening and I get home sooner, so I should be less tired and have more time to do things.

Except I forget that I am a morning person. And that I teach FIVE classes on Wednesday.

And I am scared, because I put in a schedule request for next year that could give me 5 classes every day. ("Every day" means tues through fri) It probably won't, because we never get everything we ask for - I've learned to over propose so that my boss has alternatives for different slots and I am more likely to get them, but it could actually happen. And what if I can't handle it?

I feel like I am making progress on the house and routines and this should make it easier to do other things, but what if I am lying to myself? What if the progress on the house stops or disappears because I am not spending as much time at home and I backslide and everything falls into disaster again and I start losing everything and dropping balls?

I know that "normal" people work full time and raise families and have social lives, and keep up with their homes all at once, and what I am trying to do should be easier. But what if I can't?

Hello, hello! I was all day on my volunteer thing. We may be able to finish our task tomorrow, which will be good.

I'm sitting next to my little one. She is so lovely. We have Monday off and I am looking forward to it. I have no plans whatsoever but I do want some time off.

I'm busily planning for my birthday, which is first week of March. I'll likely take two days off. I'll spend my actual day with mom. I'm thinking we could go to the museum and then have lunch. The following day I'm thinking of going to see my nutritionist for a refresher session. Yes, I plan this far ahead. Unfortunately BF's schedule will be a bit messed up so we will celebrate the weekend before.

I'm getting my haircut on Friday. It is overdue and thus a necessity. Tomorrow for Valentine's Day we have reservations at one of our favorite restaurants. I dont know what time I'll get out of my volunteer service day so I'll wear a skirt and red top. Today I wore a dress that I haven't been able to wear in a long time. Say 5 years, maybe 6. Fits comfortably and looks great. One of the women on my panel today, who is gorgeous, said she lost 85 lbs on weight watchers. She was good inspiration for me. Last time I weighed myself I was about 33 down.

I hope I can continue on the path of losing weight. It feels so good.

So what have you been doing today??!

Yay for grocery shopping!!! And a cat nap!!! My kind of day, Tillie. I bet it was nice to stop in the thrift shop and just enjoy Ice found that now I enjoy seeing things without the tug. I will say that when I saw the necklace, I didn't feel the tug to buy it (whichbis goid), instead I thought, this is pretty and would be a good, classic piece to replace my now-donated silvertone piece. So I was grateful to have safely tucked away the urge to buy just to buy. It will be a work in progress but I feel strong. Plus the necklace doesn't ruin the no-spend month; I'm still doing it. As my nutritionist says, if you eat too much that's not an excuse to give up; if you dented your car, you wouldn't decide that it was ruined and keep ramming it into things. So the same applies here. It's still a no-spend time.

I agree on the new boots and I hope you can get them soon, SubC. Sometimes when I keep the old pair of whatever, I wait to see if I actually use them in a year then make my decisions. I know that you do a lot of work in varying types of places so you will know fairly early on whether you'll be using them. Good decision making.

OH Christmas stockings! Ok! Sounds good! I'm still going to put my foot in mine. 😊

Wear your necklace and enjoy it Tatoulia! You made good progress this month!

Chenille socks do sound cozy, but these are Christmas stockings. So I only gave to make half as many. 🙂 since the in-law kids arrived, we don't have matching ones. Theirs are very bland and I thought it would be fun to start over.

A co worker suggested duct tape for the boots too. They are heavy leather work boots and all the seams are leaking. I thought about buying some kind of sealant too. The biggest problem is that I would have to get the boots clean and dry to fix them and I need to wear them 2x a day. Bags would probably work if I could get past the sensory issues. But last night it froze and snowed, so they won't leak this morning. And it might not rain for a whole week!

I think I will buy new boots, and I will keep the old ones and maybe try rewaterproofing them, or at least wearing them when I am working in dry conditions to make the new ones last longer. I threw out all my old ratty shoes, so I feel like I can make space for back up boots. One pair. I have had these a long time. And my wanter is set on new boots now. 😉 I think they are a good celebration for paying off the car.

Tillie, i'm Glad you got out and visited with pleasant people.

Good Afternoon

Subclinical
maybe put an a plastic bread bag over the socks to keep them dry.
Anyways... Don't stay outside too long once you get wet (((hug)))

Hi Tatoulia
Sorry the laptop is occupied.
Have you tried luring the cat away with a food treat?

Went grocery shopping, bought food.
Before the groceries I stopped by the thrift shop and had a pleasant conversation.
Looked at EVERYTHING in the shop.
Touched stuff, picked up stuff and held it.
Bought nothing.

Bitterly cold day.
Next storm is starting to blow in, should be snow falling sometime after midnight.

Groceries are all put away.
It's just 2:54pm
I am very tired and am going to take a cat nap.
The cat is already sound asleep.

Awwww. You ladies are so great. I'm keeping it. I know exactly the types of blouses I will wear with it and it has a nice, classy feel about it. It was under $50. I found two necklaces and a bracelet that I will donate to make more room.

That must be great having the car laid off, SubC! Congratulations! I once had to use duct tape on a pair of boots and it worked a little too well. I finally needed someone to tell me to start over with a new pair. M
Office closed at 2 due to storm and now I'm home. We are expected to work from home but there's a cat on my laptop. M

Am sneaking in a quick load of laundry. Makes me happy.

I'm not saying she shouldn't be able to keep it and use it, i'm Saying, if it makes her sad, she should return it instead if wearing it - because she said she felt bad after she bought it.

I think we are in agreement depending on us Tatoulia decides she feels about the necklace. A treat should make you happy.

I think it is too late for the boots. I am just wearing my nice heavy socks so my feet stay warm enough even though they get wet. It is only for a short time during chores.

I will need new boots, but I am waiting fir my next paycheck (March 1) because boots are expensive and I use payed off my car. No car payment = good boots!

Gotta go earn that paycheck...

Good Morning

OK, here's my thinking on the necklace...

Tatoulia has done some HUGE major purging the last year.
She has let go of many very lovely and expensive and sentimental treasures.
She has decluttered her jewelry, both costume and real.
She lives and works in a big busy city.
Having lived in Detroit I know the women hold themselves to high standards according to dress.
I am pretty sure this new necklace was not really all that expensive.
She likes it better than one she had and has given away.
Tatoulia has been doing so very well restricting herself from nonessential purchases since she started posting here.
I worry that if we do not ever allow ourselves to enjoy a little treat once in a while we will just give up and give in due to depression caused by always living like a refugee and simply stop trying.

Hi Tatoulia
Once you have paid down your debts we can discuss you starting to put away a set amount monthly for emergency expenses. ;D
Yes, don't wear wool when you will be getting wet.
It gets too heavy LOL

Hi Subclinical
OK, simple crochet stitches.
You will do fine 😀

All that water there and your boots leak! 🙁
Can you patch them with a bicycle patch?

7:00am here.
Seriously planning on grocery shopping today.
Just get it over with so it's no longer hanging over my head.
Hoping while I'm gone he doesn't trash the nice clean house.
Have a shopping list all made up.

Interesting idea the necklace, SubC. I appreciate all the views and will take the next few days to think about it! Thank you!

Crocheting sounds like fun and chenille socks sound so cozy!

I am working on my debt. I have some ideas about it and will be in a position to make some decisions very soon. I get paid Friday and will have two checks-one with my unusued vacation time. So at that point I think I can finalize my plan for the credit card debt.

Sadly I do not have an emergency fund yet. But I will get there, with your help.

I have to finish getting ready for work. I'm thinking about wearing a storm jacket type of coat so my wool coat doesn't get weighed down in the sleet and freezing rain as I walk home today.

Coffee clinks!

I don't know Tillie,

If the necklace is going to make Tatoulia feel bad all the time, I don't want her to wear it. I think it's ok to return it, have the money back, and call it a lesson learned.

Tatoulia, if you return the necklace and pay something down, it will literally and figuratively remove some of the weight hanging around your neck. 🙂

It's great to hear about the change in your financial situation so far! Do you have an emergency fund saved up?

I understand the staying home and never wanting to see people again. Once we got snowed in for 11 days - bliss!

It is strange to me that you are cold and i am not. It's supposed to get into the 50's today. But it has been raining almost nonstop for two days andwill continue. Everything is underwater. Even though we have some slope, the rain is coming down too fast to drain off. The barns and the house are little islands in a 1- 2" ocean. And my boots leak.

I think you should grocery shop. I want you to get away from Steven for a while and have a better variety of food.

So far I learned how to make (chain?) stitches (in knitting it would be cast on) then turn around and single crochet in the other direction. The character stockings I want to make for my family for Christmas (using the chenille) have a knit version and a crochet version, and I like the crochet version better, but I only knit. I will need to learn single crochet, working in the round, and decreases. It seems doable.

Stayed up too late because dh got home after my bedtime and now I am tired.

Do try to get out tomorrow, Tillie. Just for a change of scenery.

I cannot believe how a few short weeks of not spending has changed my perspective on spending. I get paid on Friday and my bills are up to date and there's still a bit of money in the bank. I'm not feeling so paycheck-to-paycheck right now.

I don't know what to do re necklace. BF says I should keep it. I was only shopping because he wanted to shop. I'll gave to think about this. If I can't enjoy the necklace, it's going back.

I can also think about if there's something else I'd rather do with the money. Not spending per se but paying something down or putting it in savings acct.

Good Evening

WAY TO GO! Subclinical!
You did fantastic in the studio.
Good decision to let the gates go since you don't need all but the one for "Justin Case" something needs corralling.

What kind of items are you going to learn to crochet?
I have been crocheting since I was a little girl.

Hi Tatoulia
OK...
Here's what you do...
enjoy the new necklace and wear it all the time.
Let the necklace remind you that you have a goal to reach and you ARE going to achieve this goal this year. (((HUG)))

Stay safe in the storm.
My next storm is expected Wednesday.

I am debating going grocery shopping tomorrow or not.
Should go.
The longer I stay home and have no interaction with humans the less I want to leave home and talk to people.

Steven is holed up in his bedroom so I think I am safe from cooties.

The icicles are about a foot long today. 😀

Great work and great decision-making, SubC. I hope you are able to feel a sense of relief as you get rid of things. I know I do.

Tillie I bet the house smells nice! I'm glad Steven went to the doctor. Give him a wide berth as I don't want you to get sick.

Forgive me, for I have shopped. I bought a necklace. I got rid of a "silver" necklace because it just didn't suit me anymore. I found a very nice one for a low price and bought it.

And do you know what? I felt terrible instead of good. I am enjoying the feeling of not being wasteful with money and not adding more to my home. I'm not sure what I will do. I may return.

I am home. Haven't been to work on a Monday in a long, long time. I'm going in tmr too then I have volunteer stuf
We are expecting a messy storm tomorrow. I shall wear my boots.

Yay for cleaning!

I gave the whole addition cleaned up.

Worked in the studio. Intended to make bowls, but it was so overwhelming I ended up just trying to purge and organize. I filled 3/4 of a tall kitchen bag with trash. The wheel and bats are clean for tomorrow and the wedging area is clean and ready and one shelf of the drying rack plus some space on a makeshift board drying area, with clear paths between the areas so hopefully I will throw tomorrow. I need to get back to it.

I decided to get rid of most of our baby gates. ❤️gs is ten. If anyone else has a baby and we need to, we can buy new ones. These are 25 years old already. We have four, and I had loaned two of them to dd1 to contain her puppy. They've been in the garage for months and I was cleaning them to put them away. I think I will just keep one in case I need to contain an animal on the dining porch temporarily. Dd1 says she doesn't ever want them back.

Tatoulia, i'm sure more reusable bags will come into your life. Meanwhile, you can ask for paper and reuse those.

I went to a crochet class at the library tonight. It was strange to leave the house at night alone. But the class was good. I'm going to go back in two weeks. I still beat dh home - it is almost quarter to nine and he is still at work. (It's a bad time at work for him, which is part of why I signed up for the class. I hate spending my evenings waiting for him to come home.)

Good Afternoon

Cleaned the house today.
Spent lots of time making sure everything was getting cleaned thoroughly.

Steven finally went to the doctor today.
Doctor said it's not influenza so probably bacterial.
Gave him antibiotics.

The house smells nice ;D