I do hope you found the help you need and that it is/has been accepted. Keep in mind thou for the clean up to be effective and long term, the person has to be willing to work on the issues that surround the issue.

It's like what me and my family had discussed. If they come in and help me, what guarentee to they have that it will stay that way? There is no guarentee! At least not at this time. It will take time for a change to become permenent. It will take daily action on my part to keep up. Perhaps even an action plan would help.

As I am dealing with the underlying issues, there may be backsliding from time to time. What I would need to do is to have a few "red flags" to tell myself oooppss, get back on the action plan NOW, long before it gets out of control.

I can only say what may help me on this journey, and each person is different situations are complex. But perhaps, my ramblings will help one person out there.

All I know at this point is, you can't help someone unless they are ready to accept it, and it has to be in a way that is meaningful to you both. (with boundaries intact)

Jan

Hi Deborah,
I know that feeling of being paralyzed. I felt like my breath had been knocked out of me and that I was being buried alive.
I also know that deire to get in there with a team of people and clean it out! When my sister would let me in-and only me in- to help her clean, I would find that in a few weeks it back back and worse.
The underlying reasons are varied and complex. If those are not being addressed, the clean up may actually trigger a major depression with suicidality.
When my sister feared losing her house and being on the streets-she got estate sellers to help her and to recoup some money.But she was also willing to get therapy and to take medication.
If this person is willing to let you and others help her clean up, thats great, but do encourage her to get therapy and consider medication.
There are professional organizers who do specialize in hoarding, but they can often be costly-and it is not a short term process.Tapping into informal resoucres like volunteers from a church, etc are good ideas. But again, don't think the clean up is all it will take. The mess is not the real problem-it is a symptom of a much more serious problem.

Good luck. I will keep you and this family in my prayers!
Lorna

Hello Lorna, I too have a friend with this same problem.after helping her a couple weeks ago moving her daughter out to a college town, I was paralyzed when I saw what I saw.

I have know this women for 20 yrs as our eldest son met her son in preschool. Over the years we exchanged friendly conversation and from time to time she would extend a meal (delivered) or some other generous gesture when some one was in need. She is married with 4 children , the youngest is 15 now. Her husband lost his job nearly 2 yrs now and is not employed at this time either . Her mother left some inheritance ghat she is to share with 2 sisters and a brother.
She is book learned, and a graduate of a prestigious college.
Not dumb, just depressed? Idk, but she lives like the show "extreme hoarders". Her husband spends most of his time at his mothers home taking care of jis elderly mom and rarely stays with his wife from what I can tell. I want to help her but need lots of helpers to do that. I found this board looking for help for her and want to find an organization or ? To help her.
Any Ideas.

I am going to talk with a Nun from the catholic church that we belong to And enlist some help!

This is all goin on in Tulsa ,Oklahoma and I have to go to work or I could explain much more.

Contact me to volunteer, And I will do the same for you.
E-mail bridalelegancetulsa@yahoo.com

Dear RJC,
When I made my posting, I checked several times a day for a response and nothing. So I stopped checking. For some reason, I decided to check today and was so glad to have a response. Just knowing that someone else knows what it is like, is comforting. I have held a lot of shame about this and found it hard to share with friends, etc.And even more, I work as a therapist!
The best I can do is share my story with you and hope that something will be helpful for you.
I got myself back into therapy after going through months of not being able to sleep at night and constant worrying about when I would get some crisis call. The first thing my therapist recommended was a book called The Normal One by Jeanne Safer. While it is not specifically about hoarders, its does address the guilt that siblings often feel when having a difficult sibling no matter what the diagnosis.It really helped me in understanding the importance of seperating myself and learning to set appropriate boundaries.I also found Mary Oliver's poem "The Journey" to speak volumes to me. Another resource I found was through NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) they have chapters in all major cities and offer support groups for family members. I attend once a month. It has been so helpful to be with other family members who are trying to find those boundaries, while remaining connected to their family members. I used to wonder whether my sister was bipolar, ADHD, schizophrenic, or all the above and have learned that the diagnosis is not as important- you still have to find your way to survive in a way that is in adherence to your own values. For me, cut off was not what I wanted- but at the same time, I did not want to sacrifice my own happiness and sanity.I came from a very enmeshed family that believes love is all about sacrifice -I had to re-examine that.
over the past couple of months, my communications with my sister have changed. I would listen to her, but not get into trying to give her solutions. When she asked me for money, knowing that this would only fall into a bottomless black hole- I told her no- but that I would help her find someone to help her organize her home and get it ready to sell so she and her husband could find a home they can really afford.
We found an estate sales group that is very used to hoarder homes- because of people having to clean out their parents' homes. They charged 40% of the proceeds made from the sell- because my sister and brother-in law helped out- they reduced their collection to 30%. They allowed my sister to sort and obsess all she needed to do. It took 2 months-of every day with 7 people- but it got done and the house was sold last week. I know this does not solve the problem.-it just has subsided the crisis for a awhile.Right now she is happy with the house they are in-her moods continue to swing- and there are times she gets very down and anxious- she does remain in therapy. I let her call me- I also let her leave a message so I know what mood to expect. And we also communicate by e-mail which can be alot easier since I don't have to hear the high pitched panicked voice.
If your sister is not in distress,there is nothing you can do. My sister was not in any ditress about the stuff until she knew she could be out on the streets. It was that worry and my unwillingness to pay her way out, that gave her the motivation.
Small children- I really can appreciate your difficulty. I don't know the nature of your relationship, but one thought I had was seeing if there are some structured and regular times the children could spend with others who would at least help them to see other ways. Adults that I see in my practice who grew up in abusive homes, often will talk about the aunt or a teacher, or some other significant person who helped them create another vision for themselves.
I hope that some of this helps you. And I hope that you get my message!
Lorna

Hi Lorna

Did you get a response to your question I have the same problem with my sister and dont know how to deal with this issue

We have an even bigger issue, my sister has small childrem and we just dont know where to start