Now no one should be unduly concerned. This is not a suicide note. I don't believe in suicide. But the other day I just wished that God would take me naturally. I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up. I wanted an end to this pain, this misery.

I haven't written in a little while, but some of you know me as the brother of a hoarder. You've heard of hoarders committing suicide when their stuff was taken away? The other day I was preferring a natural (again, not suicide) death to a continuation of this.

Why? Well, if you know my situation from previous posts you know there is a lot more to it than that. If you don't, here it is. First, he is destroying my childhood home. All my memories in what was once a beautiful home, everything gone. Taken over by the hoard. Our childhood home is now the ugliest in the nreighborhood. It can even be seen by the whole world on Google street view.

Second, this involves a history of crack cocaine use, attempted murder in a drug deal gone bad, threats to kill a girlfriend (he said he would kill her to me, then a few weeks later she vanished and the police appeared at the door asking questions), having to stop a suicide attempt, the loss of our mother, and much more. In response to my reminding him years later during an argument that I saved his life by stopping him from shooting himself, he replied "Maybe the bullets were meant for you." His ex-girlfriend, the one he said he might kill, is herself a hoarder who is bipolar. She did further damage to the house by bringing in hundreds of hoarded items last year. The crazy thing is he brought her to live with him after he signed a (worthless) legal agreement with me to clean up the house! Yep, that's being logical for you. Sign an agreement to clean it up in 30 days, then immediately invite another hoarder you are in love with to come live with you, screwing your brother in the process. In any case, it turns out she became suicidal after living so many months with him and that drove her for a few weeks to the psychiatric ward. I was so thankful she was alive. For two weeks I wondered if he'd followed through with his threat (which he didn't say to her but said to me, in response to hearing how long an eviction process would be). All of you who have siblings probably have a fair certainty they will never be murderers. I don't have that any longer.

This crazy ex, who herself said to me once that if people got her mad she would go "all Satan" on them and that "people would be dead", had three pit bulls she brought with her, two of which nearly killed our dog. Of course, I found out about her moving in and the near dog killing weeks after the fact. On top of that there have been THREE OTHER PEOPLE that have moved in! And who are they? One is a drug addict, another a heroin addict with HIV, and another a homeless man I don't even know! The ex and the heroin addict are out, but the other drug addict and the homeless who knows what are still in my house! I know the drug addict, but the other I don't know at all. It is literally a situation where, if I decided to fry what's left of my mental health after 11 years of this garbage and go to the house, I might open the door and see a perfect stranger in his boxer shorts with a beer in his hand and a cigarette in his mouth staring back at me. In MY HOUSE!!!!! I learned this whoever it is has been living there for 2 1/2 months just the other day. I was shocked!

Now the hoarders on this board are probably of a different class since they are seeking help, but if you are a hoarder I want you to see the pain I have been through. Not everyone of course has THREATS OF MURDER to go along with their stories, and not every family member wishes they would die in their sleep from this, but many hoarders out threre dramatically underestimate the level of pain and suffering they put their loved ones through. I mean some REALLY don't know or REALLY don't care about the level of pain they inflict on us. I saw it in his crazy hoarding ex as well. Bring in OVER 200 HOARDED ITEMS into a house you don't own and not get permission from the co-owner??? Yeah, no problem!!!

Perhaps mercifully, God has provided for me life changes that in just a few weeks are going to take me out of this situation completely for the next two years. I may be briefly visiting Europe at the end of next month, and quite possibly going to live for two years in India or Kenya. In any case, come July I am out of this whole situation for two years. I just wish my childhood home would at least have some improvement before then.

I am looking at harm reduction if he agrees to it. He has promised to take a look at info I am sending him. He is legally obligated to keep the house under control, and I'm going to try to get people to oversee the situation while I am gone.

So finally, FINALLY after 11 long years of all this I get to take a break. Finally, I get to return to a daily life, a new life, doing things I want to do with no drugs and no hoarding. Because that's all it's been the last 11 years--drugs and hoarding, drugs and hoarding, drugs and hoarding. And I get to do it with people who don't have drugs and hoarding in their lives. Crack cocaine got forced on me against my will. Hoarding got forced on me against my will. I'm done with it all!!!

I can't promise him this so I can send this promise out to all of you in the Universe. Mark my words, if anything ever happens to him so that I gain control of the property, NONE of his hoard is going to survive! I won't sell any of it or donate any of it to anyone. It will ALL be chopped up or BURNED. I don't care how valuable any item is. None of it will survive. I want no trace of anything that train wrrecked my home existing on this planet! I spit on his hoard! It is nothing but a pile of used, worthless garbage.

Yes, as you can see it has affected my mental health as well. It has caused PTSD, including over 70 dreams since 2015 about the situation. I am in a kind of counseling for it but there is not much more on that I can do until I get out of this in a few weeks. Then I can kiss all this goodbye!