Im so sorry youre not feeling well? I hope you are able to feel better soon? What is making you not feel good?

Yes, I haven't seen the show yet, but it is a type of schizophrenic reaction.

I am miserable right now, but thanks for asking.

Joan & OMGWhoAmI, i just read a thing on Dr. Phil defending someome who was smiling while being interviewed about his sister's murder, and i was very impressed how he defended him. I have noticed that same trait in my Dad, as well as many other people who i know dont actually find pleasure or humor, but will smile or laugh as a reaction to their anxiety. I was glad to see a mainstream figure acknowledged that! I wouldntve guessed such insight on today's sensationalized tv shows! Have you written your letter to Dr. Phil yet, OMGWhoAmi?

Hey, OMGWhoAmi? Whats happening? Are you getting lots done? Check in when you can?
Joan, how are you doing? I hope you are feeling better?!

To OMGwhoami
It's been a week, have you made progress, how are you?

Thanks, Joan! Im trying to think of when would be a good time to listen to something from it?!
I just finished going through the rest of the shelves & digesting the unexpected finds/memories...and observing how interesting the brain works in spitting up old, seemingly unrelated memories from that same time...fortunately, no traumatic memories today!!! 😀

Anony, just go to Kryon.com. You don't have to download anything. Touch where it says "free audio", then select which year you want to listen to by again touching the screen. You'll get a list of channelings for that year. Touch the channeling you are interested in. You will get a screen offering a free download of the recrding, but you don't have to download it to listen to it. Just touch the box with the recording title you want to listen to, and it just plays.

At least, that's how I do it. If your phone doesn't work that way, I am out of suggestions. Hope that helps.

Joan, i found the site offering to download the recordings you recommended, but i have no idea how to retrieve them, even if i figure out how to download them. Im pathetically low tech. From the titles, they sound very much like the things i read about regularly on my facebook feed, which i love & find very helpful and inspiring!!! Maybe im justifying my current addiction, but ive gotten so i prefer the shorter articles on the internet to books. Firstly, cuz they condense the ideas into something i can easily read, and cuz i can read many in a period of time, on many subjects, but many differing opinions, rather than books, which go on & on with one guru-like viewpoint. Plus, the invaluable reviews by people in anonymity with varied opinions & experiences, and often experts that cant express their views behind their real name because they represent an industry of some sort. Anyway, for some reason ive found the intetnet to be more helpful than all my years of self-help books and therapists & support groups....also, ive been forced to figure out more on my own in recent years...being broke and out in the country, away from a culture that values self-improvement...we have a looney bin, but not anything that isnt required by the court system to attend!!! ha ha

....that sounds like my wish, too... ~♡~

Anon and Joan: once again I thank you for your praise and compliments. I don't feel like Superwoman however, even though many people have called me that. I call it "surviving." And to survive, I seem to have to always fight. I am so tired of fighting. You mention moving and starting over. As I had mentioned in an earlier post, I just have one thing on my Bucket List right now. And that is to move to a cute little house in Florida with enough yard for my dogs to run and a pool. I DREAM of that.... Of it being my new life, making new friends, getting away from this State and all its bad memories. If I could just have a tiny bit of THAT happiness before I leave this Earth, I can forget the rest. But so many things are preventing it from happening that are out of my control that I fear I will never realize that one dream.

Joan, i can watch short videos, but it gets really expensive to add enough data on my phone to watch long things. Can i just read about it somehow, or is there a somewhat shorter piece on it? I dont even know how to stream stuff, or any high tech things like that.

Anony, I highly recommend the Kryon "Cellular Communication" tape made April 12, 2014.

Wow! OMGwhoAmI, you are certainly one very amazing woman!!! SuperWoman! Your story is absolutely incredible! I understand what you mean about the satisfaction of stopping further abuse of others, being more important than the money! You have really used your time, energy & strenth to stand up for yourself and for what is right! That is of immeasurable value! I can definitely relate to that, from some of my situations....one being a local judge from a famous family that we had a few years back...he was covering for a really bad outlaw guy that was terrorizing me...somehow i lived through it, but the stress on that judge killed him!
Now it seems like its time for your needs in life to be cultivated. I hope that you can guide your body to vibrant health again! My current thing has been talking to my body's cellular intelligence & encouraging it to be strong with my help! I truly feel that has an enormous positive effect!
It sounds like your family drains you in a bad way. I have that same problem. It is sad, but there is a whole planet of other loving beings for us to connect to that will be more mutually beneficial for us!
Start looking into new places to live & how to make your move work for you in a comfortable & enjoyable way. Taking care of yourself now will be a win/win for yourself and all those youve helped! ~♡~

OMGWhoAmI:

Your posts continue to fascinate me.

The entire planet is going through recalibration as of the planetary grid shifts of 12/21/2012. I am much indebted to Lee Carroll's work with Kryon to explain the effects of the shift and humanity's responses in real time. You may be interested to go to the Kryon website and listen yourself. I suggest you get the necessary background by listening to Lightworker tapes, or tapes from 2012.

Things began to happen on this planet that have NEVER, EVER happened here before after the 12/21/2012 grid shift. Light is increasing and dark is losing its grip. A number of us Old Souls were not supposed to be alive now under the old karmic system. We are alive because the opportnuity opened up to live outside of the karmic system. Your biological family is actually angry that you are alive now. They expected to inherit your worldly goods long ago. Do not spend time with them.

Anonymoniker and Joan: Thank you BOTH for your praise of my Poem. I wish I could say that it was a work of fiction but it is not.

As one of you stated, it is true... As I've grown older, I grow more alone. It's funny but even after having such a horrible childhood, followed by being constantly sexually approached (once even being offered $1500!) by my alcoholic stepdad, and that followed by a verbally and mentally abusive husband for 29 years..... I still was the one that EVERYONE turned to for emotional support. I STILL was and still AM very compassionate and understanding, despite being raised in a non-emotional, many times critical, atmosphere.

I was always considered the STRONG ONE. And then I faced a major event in my life and EVERYONE... and I do mean EVERYONE, seemed to disappear off the face of the Earth... Family, husband, mother, friends, NOBODY wanted to hear what I was going through, much less comfort or help me! I finally asked my half sister one day, after being cussed out by her because she felt I wasn't giving them enough attention lately!!... If she could listen to what I was going through so that she could understand why I had withdrawn? Do you know what she said to me? She told me that she didn't know what to say. She said "I'm not used to seeing YOU weak. You are supposed to be the strong one! I don't even know how to TAKE this NEW YOU!" I stared at her! "Seeing me weak?!" I said, "I'm not WEAK, I've just reached the limit of weight that my shoulders can hold!" I told her that even a ROCK can crack sometimes. I reminded her that I had NEVER asked for anyone's help in my life... 47 years at that time! She just looked at me and said I don't know what to say or do. I'm used to coming to YOU for help! And that's where we left it. My mom just said she didn't want to hear about it; my friends just said "ah, you'll get through it, you're strong," and my husband just bit*hed and yelled about how depressed and self-pitying I was! I was going through one of the most stressful events I'd ever been through in my life: I was preparing an EEO Case against 2 Govt. agencies ALL BY MYSELF. THESE ARE NORMALLY NEVER WON!

I worked on it for 3-1/2 years! I became suicidal. I never slept. I went up against their LAWYERS all alone. I researched and prepared a case that filled 8 - 3" binders with my facts and case. I was CONSUMED with it. At the same time, I was having serious health issues, some of which had been there, but now which were exacerbated by extreme stress. Looking back I now know FOR A FACT, that this is when my house began to get cluttered. I didn't care. I was solely focused on that case. I had 6 legitimate discrimination offenses against them: sex, sexual harrassment, age, disability, race, and workplace retaliation. I had to PROVE each one of those with documentation and summaries. My bosses began to turn on me to the extent that I was made to feel like a Leper every time I came into work. They took my work away. And then they called me in for official "Disciplinary Meetings" and to write me up for not doing my work!!! They threatened my coworkers with removal or dire consequences if they did not write letters stating that I did or said things that NEVER HAPPENED! I begged for a transfer to another office while I was in the middle of this EEO stuff. My blood pressure, always very good (average 106/76) was at 185/110 almost every day at work. It was the Agency's nurse, I think, that finally convinced the highest managers to move me because I might have a heart attack!

I continued to drown myself in that case! I let my house go to hell. Nothing mattered but that case! When I became suicidal, it is that case that SAVED me and kept me from acting on that decision. Because I was determined that those bas*ards would not think they caused me to kill myself! I had actually made a decision to def kill myself, had even decided HOW I would do it, but only AFTER I either WON OR LOST that case! It took 3-1/2 years. In the last 6 or 8 months, my health issues had gotten so bad, that I was ordered not to work. Now I was told by my Neurologist that I should retire on Disability.... (These issues stemmed from a car accident years before but had been made much worse by the stress now). So NOW I was also dealing with the fact that I should retire at age 49! Since I really had not had a marriage for at least the last 7-8 years, working was literally MY LIFE. I had no idea what I would do with myself if I couldn't work! Actually, THAT was when I decided to take my life after the Case.

So now I'm running back and forth to Dr's, and spending every other minute of my life trying to get my case to Court. These Dept lawyers harassed me on the phone constantly, knowing I had no lawyer, threatening me, trying to scare me into dropping the case. I held my own. Then they began to make monetary settlement offers so it wouldn't go to Court.... Ridiculous amounts. I turned them all down. They harassed me right up to the last day before the trial.

I went to the trial. By then I had to hire a lawyer just because HE had to do my witness Depositions. I think I brought him in within 30 days or less of the trial. I did 3-1/2 years of work which literally stole my life, health, family and friends from me ALL BY MYSELF.... And HAD to hire him to do interviews and he cost me over $8000!

In any case, on the day of court, their big shot lawyers showed up and asked the judge to postpone the hearing so that they could make me an offer. They put the offer on the table. By then this Judge had already reviewed everything I had prepared. Before my lawyer and I could even respond to their ridiculous offer, the Judge raised his hand towards us as if to quiet us and looked at those lawyers and said, "I think you better go back out in the hall and call whomever it is that's authorizing your offers, and tell them I SAID, 'TRY AGAIN!'" He said he would not let me even THINK about that first offer and they should be ashamed of themselves for trying it!

He did the same thing with their second offer!

Finally, he was okay with their 3rd offer. He told me it was up to me--I could accept it or we could start the trial. BUT he said he felt it was more than I might get if the trial went through.

I wasn't crazy about the amount but I told the Judge this: I said, "Your Honor, I've put 3-1/2 years into this and even knowing that, I want you to know that this is not about the money. It is about those Supervisors and what they have done to me and at least 50 others who were scared out of going through with their cases. I would just like to have some kind of reassurance that there are going to be some kind of consequences for their actions? Then I'll accept this deal." The Judge looked at the lawyers. They told the Judge that they could assure him and me that those consequences were already underway and I would see or hear about them very soon. I had no choice but to take their word for it.

Now.... You are probably curious as to WHY I have not mentioned what ANY of the amounts were? It's because, as part of my LEGAL agreement with these Agencies, I am under a GAG order not to say how much they paid me. They do not want others trying to sue them. And I HAVE KEPT MY WORD! I have told nobody, except of course, back then my husband, because he saw the check go into the Bank. But I did not discuss the specifics with him. Not even my son knows what I got.

I CAN say this though. I did not get a million dollars! I did not get a huge settlement at all. BUT.... And this is what I wanted more than anything....

Within 4-6 months, a friend at my "former job" told me that the Higher Level Manager had been booted from his position of managing over 300 people to managing about 6. And my immediate Supervisor was stripped of his Supervisor role and transferred to another unit as just another worker bee. And there were several more changes down that chain. AND, she told me that the RUMOR going around was that I was the reason all of that happened, even though they denied it! I can honestly say that I don't think 5x the money I received could have made me happier than to hear this news! FINALLY, somebody had made THE HIGHEST MANAGEMENT stop looking the other way!!! And FINALLY, perhaps these guys would never do to anyone else, what they did to me and 40-50 others!

I have been told that NOBODY ever took them all the way to trial but me. And I have been told by Lawyers and many others that EEO cases are almost NEVER WON, even with a Lawyer's representation. So YES, THIS IS something I am extremely proud of. Although I must say that I could not do it again! I do not have the "pit bull" strength and tenacity in me anymore, where I would dig my teeth in and NOT LET GO! I'm not a poodle though and NEVER WILL BE. But I'm TIRED of fighting my way through everything in my life. I am probably a mean "Chihuahua" right now.....Willing to bite but knowing when I'm too small to win and when to let go.

I also have some thoughts about the idea one of you had about keeping some mementos. But I have gone on for SO LONG here that I will save that for another post.

Thanks again to both of you. And thanks for tolerating my long-winded posts! And I am not blind to YOUR situations. I'm paying very close attention.

Anony, you may also be interested in checking out Dr. Phil's website. Just Google "Dr. Phil". There is a way to stream whole episodes to your device, but I don't know how to do it. You can at least check out snippets of the show on his site so you can see what he is about.

Anony, these resources are not therapy in any way, shape, or form. They are audio recordings of channeled material that I find helpful. They would be considered too esoteric by most people, but given your tastes, I thought you might also find them interesting.

Kryon is easy: Kryon.com, look under "free audio", and play whatever interests you. Stargate meditations are under thestargateexperience.com, but actually reside on the SoundCloud website. The Stargate website is too big to load into some phones, tablets, etc. The best way is to go to Soundcloud.com and search for stargate experience tapes.

Hope that helps.

Thank you, Joan, but i realized after posting that i really had no business in a discussion where i assumed a tv show's therapy sessions would be like mine 30 years ago in CA, especially when i havent seen tv for 20 years, except for a few brief shocking blips ...i havent any clue what Dr. Phil is about...i think OMGwhoAmi should send him a letter & one way or the other, just even that might be therapeutic? Id like to check out what you said. Do i just google that, or is it higher tech than that?

Thank you, Joan, but i realized after posting that i really had no business in a discussion where i assumed a tv show's therapy sessions would be like mine 30 years ago in CA, especially when i havent seen tv for 20 years, except for a few brief shocking blips ...i havent any clue what Dr. Phil is about...i think OMGwhoAmi should send him a letter & one way or the other, just even that might be therapeutic? Id like to check out what you said. Do i just google that, or is it higher tech than that?

Anony, I feel bad for you, I really do. I read your posts and I can tell that you are doing your best with what you have. You have a grasp of which direction to point yourself in to identify the traumatic causes of your present difficult behaviors. What kills me is that identifying the causes is not enough. You need very specific kinds of help that simply are not commonly available to the public yet.

I really dug deep all my life to find the specific help and expertise I now receive from my providers. Unfortunately these kinds of help will take a long time to become mainstream. These modalities are DEFINITELY light years ahead of anything Dr. Phil offers.

In terms of assistance from other web sites, I rely heavily on the Kryon free audio channelings, and lately the Stargate free meditations on SoundCloud. They are not for everyone, but you may enjoy sampling them.

Hang on.

I hope that you can get on Phil's show, but in case you cant, there might be a local support group or therapist that would be helpful? ~☆♡☆~

Yes, Joan, i regularly read stuff on healing trauma & have tried all of it. I really havent had anything help mine...the thing that has 'helped' the most, has been new trauma to sort of eclipse or distract from the previous trauma....and most of my traumas are not ones that would even be recognized as such by most others...as intense & debilitating as they are...which makes me all the more isolated in them...

A beautiful, beautiful poem.

I have thought about writing to Dr. Phil for many years, but I am just too sick to be able to handle all that. Also, my situation is really not amenable to being improved by what he is offering. Your situation is perfect for the show. I am not surprised by the entrainment of our thoughts, and I think you have a good chance of getting on the show.

What Dr. Phil has done and continues to do for women and children in bad situations is great, but the fruits of that work will not correct what happened to any of us posters when WE were children. Those of us who managed to survive very abusive childhoods are so often finding ourselves abandoned and isolated in our 60s, with no-one to turn to. Dr. Phil should be made more aware of our situations. Although we are each individually isolated now as a result of past abuse, I suspect the number of people who post on this board represent only a miniscule fraction of the baby boomers who did not end up like Dr. Phil, but who ended up like you and me.

WOW! Your poem is very moving, vivid & a genuine tear producer! I really love it! Even if Dr. Phil doesnt read it, it is still an extraordinary poem!!! (i dont actually know who he is cuz i dont have tv). Im so sorry you had to go through that as a child. I cant relate with that at all. My childhood was the opposite...my Mom was constantly in my face trying to fix me from me being me....
Is there a way you can somehow honor your inner child with certain things in your house? That may not make sense. Im working on that now with my situation, tho & in many ways it is working!
I dont even know what to suggest. Its no excuse, but it was your mother's messed up needs & not you.
I started writing poems to turn problems into humor, and i began having rhyming solutions pop into my head! I cant even imagine going through that as a child...your poem helped to imagine it better than anything else could...for real! Amazing...

WOW! Your poem is very moving, vivid & a genuine tear producer! I really love it! Even if Dr. Phil doesnt read it, it is still an extraordinary poem!!! (i dont actually know who he is cuz i dont have tv). Im so sorry you had to go through that as a child. I cant relate with that at all. My childhood was the opposite...my Mom was constantly in my face trying to fix me from me being me....
Is there a way you can somehow honor your inner child with certain things in your house? That may not make sense. Im working on that now with my situation, tho & in many ways it is working!
I dont even know what to suggest. Its no excuse, but it was your mother's messed up needs & not you.
I started writing poems to turn problems into humor, and i began having rhyming solutions pop into my head! I cant even imagine going through that as a child...your poem helped to imagine it better than anything else could...for real! Amazing...

I think I may have mentioned that I write Poetry to express my feelings about whatever I'm thinking or feeling at any given time. This is a Poem that I would like to share here that I have NOT shared with anyone except perhaps 2 very close friends and my former counselor. If I send my letter to Dr. Phil, I think I may include it. Please feel free to comment on the Poem.

"THE LITTLE GIRL"
A Look Back in Her Past

Sometimes I still see you sitting on the couch,
Legs swinging above the floor;
And the tears are soaking
your hand-me-down clothes,
As you sit all alone, and stare at the door.

I can feel the fear in your heart,
And the loneliness that fills the room;
As you sit alone and wonder,
Will somebody be home soon?

I can see the disappointment on your face,
As daddy stumbles home drunk again;
I can see the tears in your eyes,
When mommy comes home
And the fights begin.

I can feel your sadness and despair,
As you're told you've lost another home;
I know you're confused as you hear your mom screaming,
That it's because of the money on drinking he's blown.

I can see you stare at the things,
That are tossed out upon the street;
The things that meant so much to you,
The things you felt made you complete.

And now I see things being taken,
Stolen as if they mean nothing;
And as you watch them disappear,
I can feel inside, your heart crushing.

And then I see you huddled outside,
On a cold and bone-chilling night;
Waiting for your mom to sneak back through a window,
To find somewhere to sleep for the night.

And now there's just you and your mom;
Your dad left for good one Spring day;
And you are still asking yourself,
If you're the reason he went away.

And your mom goes out all the time now;
And she leaves you home all alone;
And you have no one to talk to,
Except a puppy she let you bring home.

You rarely see your mom anymore;
She prefers to stay with her dates;
And the new question you're asking yourself,
Is it you, her child, she hates?

I can feel your hope dying by the hour,
As you stare out the window, trying to smile;
Telling yourself every night, she'll be home,
To spend time with you for a while.

And then I can feel your hurt and defeat,
As you realize again, she's not coming home;
I feel the overwhelming sadness as you go to bed,
Accepting that again tonight you'll be all alone.

I feel the torture of your thoughts,
As you wonder if you're even loved?
I know that you live in constant confusion,
Your emotional needs being repeatedly rebuffed.

You seem so hurt all the time,
And you seem so scared and so forlorn;
You're like a precious rose ripped from it's bush,
It's petals smashed and viciously torn.

I wish that I could tell you,
That it was all just a very bad dream;
I wish that I could tell you,
It was all just an Act in a Movie scene.

But we both know that isn't the truth;
We both know that you did live this life;
It's a harsh reality to face;
But your childhood WAS so full of strife.

If I could only turn back time,
Nothing would be the same;
I'd take away all the pain in your life,
And only happy memories would remain.

I would insure that you were safe and loved,
And always cuddled and embraced;
And you would not grow up on criticism,
But instead grow up on praise.

You would live a much better childhood;
And an easier adult life with very little strife;
And when your time was up down here,
You'd leave this Earth knowing you'd had a happy life!

Yes, I wish I could change these things
And help you to to break free;
Because you, my sad little girl,
Are actually really ME!

Omg, you are NOT going to believe this! Because I was sure taken aback when I read your last question!!

Would you believe I decided late yesterday before you even replied that maybe I'd give writing to Dr. Phil a try?!?! So I sat down and began DRAFTING my letter to him in pen. I started typing it last night from my penned draft but fell asleep. I figured I'd finish it today. Then I thought, "let me check the message board first,". WOW! Is that a coincidence or what?!

I doubt it will make it past his "screeners," but maybe it's worth a try right?

What an interesting cooincidence!

This kind of story always makes me both sad and angry. I feel terrible that you are in this situation, and angry that those vultures you approach for help just re-skewer you for their own profit and pleasure.

The human race is still a very barbaric one. I have no practical suggestions I can offer you.

I very much enjoyed reading your other posts about how you had early chidhood trauma, then severe OCD with cleaning which morphed into OCD-H. As a life-long OCD sufferer with chidhood trauma, it made perfect sense to me. What we need is somehow to draw constructive public attention to these types of problems. Are you up for writing to Dr. Phil?

It sounds do-able?!! Make a plan that is safe & sensible, then start tossing stuff you dont need & packing away the stuff you really do need! If you are comfortable with that plan after thinking it through, go for it, in the excitement of a nice, new change!!! 😀
.....im taking a break after coming across several unexpected traumatic items in my mess-to-address for today.... 🙁

Moving from here to a smaller house is exactly what I want to do. I want to move to Florida. I've been pricing homes down there in a particular area and they are within my price range. The problem is this house and HOW it sells. If I can't get what I owe on it plus the RE fees and a down payment on my new one, then I'll have to Short Sale it or do a Deed in Lieu. If I do either of those, I'm required to wait 2 years before I can buy another home. That means I'd have to rent. It's going to be very difficult to find any place that will let you RENT with 3 dogs.

Then there's the big problem which comes first.... How do I get all this stuff cleared out of here so that I CAN get an Agent in here to give me a value?

As for the Dr's visits, I have herniated disks in my back and have to get shots in my spine. And I am being tested to see if I need surgery for a mesh erosion.

But I decided a long time ago that I couldn't keep up with this house anymore. It's just recently that it has come up in value. I just don't know if it's come up enough.

I just have one item on my Bucket list right now to make me happy before I pass: and that's to buy a cute little house in Florida and get away from all this stress.

Right now my hoarding is holding everything at the STOP sign.