| Mandy | Posted: 20 May 2011 - 09:24 AM |
HI, First off- thanks for the support and listening. So my dad has a couple things going on with his hoarding issues that I think are the underlying causes and also make it very hard to rationalize with him. My mom is the breadwinner in the family and though my dad says this is fine and good and doesn't seem to be upset about it - I think he compensates by bringing home materials and things that he deems of value. making the argument that "if i had bought this at Home depot it would have cost ... xxx$$$" I think this is his way of bringing money in to the home and therefore showing that he too is a breadwinner since he doesn't work- these objects supplement the income that we are lacking because finding it and bringing it home means we will not have to go spend money on it. The other obstacle that I face with my dad is that he likes to build/create/make art. So he has a lot of materials that he collects to do the art "someday" for example, he collects eggshells (which to be fair he has made one piece of art out of- 10 years ago!) And has been collecting shells for part two. He also collects Magazines and newspaper clippings and has been doing it for about 4 years - to someday lay out all of them and decide what images he wants to keep and make an art piece out of. I feel like if i am telling him to get rid of this stuff - I am really telling him "you are worthless" and "your art and your ideas don't matter to us" Basically "throw away who you are and what makes you special" I am okay with my dad keeping some stuff. But at this point he just has TOO MUCH and it prevents us from doing things around the home and inviting people over - because my mom is embarrassed and wont have company. She is about to retire and I don't want them living alone and not having friends and family come over because of my dads problem. My mom has basically given up fighting for a clean home. I am leaving the country in Sept and want to have a going away party- but DAD'S mess is in the way. I want the home to be clean for my mom when i leave and i will be taking two months off to help get it straightened out. I don't want them to fall and break a hip or something because of this... so doing my best to clean up. But I know every object is a fight with my dad waiting to happen. And I don't want to lose my relationship with him just to get things done. PLEASE HELP! | |
Replies (3)
| releasing | Posted: 21 May 2011 - 06:36 PM |
Yeah, even under the best of circumstances, when everyone wants to change, it is difficult and lengthy. Even when the hoarder want to change, letting go of the stuff can be disorienting, uncomfortable, lead to nausea and other physical symptoms, panic. It's sick, but it is what it is. Feeling overwhelmed makes it all the more difficult . . . the person just does not know where to start even to start clearing things. Finding what might lead to an "epiphany" can take time. For me, there were two major things. One is my parents getting elderly and starting to have health problems and having to deal with their stuff (they were both hoarders, though not anywhere near the degree that one sees on the shows; and my mother is an artist, so I can imagine your situation somewhat). Suddenly, I started looking at my stuff and it's potential "usefulness" differently. The other was a "scare" from my coop association and the thought that, if I ever did reach a really extreme situation (and I was heading that way), I might lose control of the stuff. But, you need to draw your boundary, too. You can only reach out; ultimately, they have to solve it. | |
| Mandy | Posted: 20 May 2011 - 06:06 PM |
I can talk to him for a short period of time about it. But he gets mad and I get mad. I think he is overwhelmed. and so am I. So we sometimes get into fights over it. sometimes he doesn't see it as a rational reason why he should do something. And his spaces have grown over the years. First it was the garage, then side yards, backyards, his room... but it is spreading around the house. And he just tells me "well you do it too" meaning one or two things I have in a common space- compared to his 15 different pillows that don't match anything and he doesn't really use on the couch. I clear off that couch and instead of leaving it nice or saying oh thanks that needed work. its "where did you put my pillow" and "why did you move it there" - so there is a disconnect there I think. Thanks for the help. I think this will be a difficult process. Very slow going. And reading other entries on here- I know it could be way worst. | |
| releasing | Posted: 20 May 2011 - 11:48 AM |
Do calm, rational discussions have any impact? Rather than focusing on particular objects, how about defining areas of the house as "his" and others as "yours", "your mother's", "common living spaces" . . . and he must confine his stuff to "his" space(s), pointing out that it is unfair to limit everyone else's activities because of his stuff.. | |