| badger | Posted: 04 July 2013 - 12:07 PM |
I am 67 years old, and just married my childhood sweetheart. When I arrived at his home, I just didn't know what to do. The house is 6000 square feet, and filled in every room with piles of clothes, furniture, papers and you name it. He had told me it was messy, but I thought being a widower it was just an accumulation of things. Little did I know that not only he, but his daughter (who doesn't live here anymore) was a hoarder too. The up stairs is just as bad as the downstairs. Outside, he has cars, junk and everything you can name. | |
Replies (4)
| Roxie | Posted: 06 July 2013 - 02:53 PM |
Badger, welcome. I am currently reading Matt Paxton's book "The Secret Lives of Hoarders" and it may be helpful to you as some parts of it address the families of hoarders. A great deal of patience is required. Getting him into counseling was a great first step. Make sure the therapist knows he is a hoarder (and let us hope the therapist understands hoarding, particularly, and/or OCD). For yourself, I think it is fair to say "I live here, too, and deserve some clear and clean places." Then start negotiating what rooms those places will be or at least what part of what rooms. I think the living room, kitchen, bedroom and baths would be fair places since those are most often shared. But you'll decide this for yourself and negotiate about it. I hope you'll read all the boards and focus on those posts by others living in your kind of situation. Welcome, again. | |
| Tillie | Posted: 04 July 2013 - 09:56 PM |
Welcome Badger 😀 Some great books are "digging Out" for you and "Buried In Treasures" for him. Good luck and best wishes. (((hugs))) | |
| Dianne | Posted: 04 July 2013 - 07:26 PM |
Hi badger, You sound like your situation is a bit like Tillie's. Read her posts. It's great that he's seeing a psychiatrist but you need to take care of your mental health too. Perhaps explain that you will need some space of your own and keep that area clean. It may be his home but he invited you to live there as his wife so you have the right to some clean space for your things in order to function well. | |
| Mariana | Posted: 04 July 2013 - 01:09 PM |
If there is one thing we have learned when trying to help hoarders is that they have to want to change and accept help or it is a losing and frustrating battle. Another factor that kicks in if and when we do start de-cluttering is age. I am now 65 and just don't have the stamina I did 10 years ago so everything takes a little longer. Facing a huge hoard as you are almost has to have outside assistance. 6000 sq. ft. Is a huge house! Hopefully you will be able to afford help, and we have learned over and over that this kind of help, by its nature, is costly. But, success will be measured by how much your hoarder is able to change the way he views the situation. Congratulations on taking the first important step in getting him psychiatric help. That he is willing to go is a positive sign. Good luck with this. I really feel your distress. As a senior citizen myself I feel that I can say you shouldn't have to spend your golden years (whoever came up with that phrase was not a senior!) dealing with this stress and frustration. My thoughts are with you. | |