Thank you, Tillie! Yes, it is a vicious circle! And depending how depressed i am.when looking at things to possibly throw out, my 'good - bad feeling' from them vary, which makes me not trust my mood to decide.
I usually dont feel depressed when.im.out, which makes me feel.much of my depression is frommy place being so aweful. I keep trying to weigh out hiring my neighbor, but getting help...itd be a trade off of stresses.
This morning i read a.list of 10 things not to say to a depressed person. She said each of them.and more very cruelly. It has really knocked me down. Her sister commited suicide a coupke years ago. It surprises me she is still so harsh with me after what her family members had happen. Sorry to keep harping on her, but i should have known.not to continue to explain.and defend myself...it just gave her more ammo towards me.
Im contemplating going on drugs just to focus on my place. I am terrified of these dangerous new drug side effects and dont really want to illegal drugs...i need to do something different, cuz im.not getting anywhere.sorry again for the typos...

It can be a vicious circle, there is all that stuff to sort through because you have been too depressed to keep on top of it and living with it all around you depresses you even more.
Here is something that I have done that might help you to think about things differently...
I would look at something in my home and face the feelings and emotions it brings up.
If the emotions were good/happy, I would keep the item.
If there was even the slightest negative emotion I would get rid of the item. Sometimes by smashing it or burning it outside (I have a burn barrel) or tossing it or donating it.
As I rid myself of the negative items I would also release all my emotions the item stirred up in me.
I had a LOT of negative emotional baggage that I released in this way.
This method worked well for me to rid myself of some items and letting go of the negative emotions they invoked freed up my mind and spirit.

Thank you! As im cleaning the stuff on my porch i keep running my defensive reasons to my attacking friend, in.my head. Her mother spent 5 years bedridden.with crippling depression.till a dentst's kindness pulled her out of it overnight! Youd think shed want to be more supportive after that...and its a shame her mother didnt have the option of an internet forum.for support, too!
Maybe i should try pills for depression...i just dont want be on drugs....and these new ones have grave side effects for people like me, with suicidal tenancies....its hard for me to stay moving on this cleaning...it just is si depressing....its the memories of everything around me...then.i think.maybe i.should just move...that would be terribly stressful, too...i guess having an affordable person to help would be the best strategy...if i can find that?!

WAY TO GO!!! 😀

For starting on that project.
I live rural too so I do understand your circumstances .
It may take some time before we reply because we all are offline a lot doing "stuff". LOL
But "together we CAN beat this!"

My computer is acting boggy today, sorry about any typos but there is no editing button. 😀

Wow?! Thank you for your quick.and comfortig response, Tillie! I live in a rural area, so there a few options within.a reasonable distance without them.being too close! Ihave my notebook with lists and things to go.to that keep me on track. I like some of the Cognative Behavior Therapy steps, too. Im amazed how much a direct response.from.you has already.calmed me down. I went to my Buried In Treasures book and the very next paragraph was about how 'friends' and family can.sabatoge progress...i wish.id read that sooner!
Im gonna go clean.the tools to put away.in.my.new cabnet on.the porch.now! Maybe ill even.get it finished today!
THANK YOU TILLIE!!! 😀 ....sorry for all the typos, etc., i cant seem to go back.to correct them... 😀

Hello 🙂

So sorry that your "friend" has done this. Right now you really need a true friend.
I am very glad that you called the suicide hotline. Please keep reaching out for help.
Buried in treasures is a good way to start decluttering but right now you are stuck trying to work all on your own.
We here can give you support with suggestions and unconditional support and understanding.
You said you could afford to hire your neighbor, I understand you reluctance to have her in.
Please search for another in your area who does not live near you.
Having just one helper could be what you need to start moving forward.
(((HUGS)))