| laura | Posted: 26 May 2014 - 10:46 PM |
My father is compelety out of control. growing up our house was clean, until my mother went back to work around the time my brother and iwere in grade school. Then he started hoarding. It was to the point where we couldnt have poeple over becaues they basically couldnt fit and i was so embarssaed. I remember being a 10 year old and cleaning their kitchen in the middle of the night. problem is my dad wont stop, my mom have given up, and my brother who lives with them still tries to thow things away but my dad just keeps brining stuff in. fast forward to now, i have two children who love them very much, but i have since then not allowed my children to be in their house. It is a safety hazard and i will not have my children in there. I worry the townhouse is going to be condemed if i call the health department. and i know they cannot afford anything else. We have had a rocky separation, as my husband and his family are clean freaks and have had a better outcome fincally. (my parents made it an issue) This past weekend i walked in the townhosue for the first time and was so disgusted by the hosue i didnt walk past the kitchen. I didnt even notice there was not a floor in the kitchen. There was disgusting things piled everywhere and i had an anixety attack. My dad then triggered my anger by saying once again he was going to work on the living room this weekend and i lost it. My husband has told me the only way to get what i want is to keep the kids from them completly. To not even go and visit (we live 45 min away) at a park or anything. I guess my question is should i give the ulitmatium for him to get help of not seeing the kids at all? or should i say he will only see them at my house? I am at a loss, part of me is so angry and holding a grudge for the way i grew up but part of me feels bad for my mom and brother. and the fact that he is the only grandfather they have as the other one shot himself before my son was born. sorry for the life story but i need help. | |
Replies (4)
| Victoria | Posted: 01 March 2015 - 09:56 PM |
This blog was helpful. My story very simular to Ellen's. I am in the process of planning an intervention. Our family is going to talk to a coy clear fist. Ellen, gave you had any progress with your father? | |
| Dianne | Posted: 27 May 2014 - 10:14 AM |
Laura, my heart goes out to you. I am a hoarder who managed to keep things pretty organized/clean when my 2 kids were growing up. About 12 years ago it exploded. I also have 2 grandchildren and a son-in-law who is super clean as is his family. My son-in-law has not seen the horde since it got so bad. I am extremely fortunate that he loves me and has offered any help he can. Of course I can't accept that because I'm afraid he would be so totally disgusted he would never think of me again without wanting to gag. My grandchildren don't come here anymore. It's an unspoken agreement. But if my daughter was ever to give me an ultimatum I have to be honest and say it wouldn't change a thing about my hoarding. What an ultimatum would change is our relationship. We would both feel rejected, misunderstood and unloved. That must be so hard for a non-hoarder to understand. Please do some reading on hoarder mentality before trying to force your father to do what you want. If the kids can't go to his home (and you are totally right to not allow that) at least let him see them at your home or other places. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is so precious and important. Please don't deprive your children or your father of time together. As the kids get older they will have a foundation to build their own relationship with their grandfather apart from you. I hope you find healing for all the pain you went thru growing up. Try to keep a soft spot that will allow you to promote family love and relationships in spite of the hoard. All the best ~~
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| LR2014 | Posted: 27 May 2014 - 07:22 AM |
Laura, I hope others will read your post and offer their "more experienced wisdom" on this issue. I do want to say that I am both a hoarder and a child of a hoarder. When we see someone, especially someone we love, living in a way that you have described, we desperately want them to change. We can drive ourselves nuts with understandable worry, anger, and all kinds of other emotions and reactions. We may be at our wits end (and beyond) trying to figure out how to "make them" see the light, change, stop what they're doing, get help, etc. We may cry and beg, we may try to reason with them, we may threaten things, and more. Many of the things we try to do either don't help, or sometimes they actually make the already bad problem worse. I know your husband's intentions are good, but my best guess is that even that threat is not likely to produce the results you so would like to see. Many people on this board have recommended the following book (by Michael Tompkins and Tamara Hartl): Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring. This book is not for your parents. It's for you and your husband. The forward for the book is written by experts in the field of hoarding treatment, so it's not just "any" book. Before making a major decision like that, please consider getting the book and seeing what it has to offer you. Check out the reviews on Amazon and elsewhere. There are other resources on this website as well. Some other people who post here may also have some suggestions for you. | |
| laura | Posted: 26 May 2014 - 10:47 PM |
Sorry i did not check my spelling i am so upset. | |