I tried to keep my *leaving* non-emotional and what I posted was true. Now I feel it's time to be more honest at the expense of really becoming hated on this board.

It was obvious that Tillie was ignoring my posts. I apologized to her numerous times here and in private emails. I told her being ignored and shunned made me feel invalidated, belittled and demeaned. On a board where there are only 2 or 3 regular posters it's pretty pointless to continue.

I would have told you how badly I needed help and support again but what was the point? I knew I wasn't liked and my posts would be ignored by Tillie who considers herself the leader here. It no longer felt like a safe and supportive place for me to expose myself and my failings.

Yes, the other board has a lot of postings which at first were overwhelming. But I fit into some with like-mined people and the constant support and encouragement has really been uplifting. I'm getting back on track.

You're right, there will never be a *cure*. I have all the books and workbooks and tapes. Remember we talked awhile ago about 12 step programs? I feel like hoarding is like an addiction. We have to do the hard work ourselves but having people who have been in our position and know how to give encouragement in every situations is vital to our everyday health. That's what I am getting from the other board.

Tat, your deep compassion on this board is what I knew I would miss the most. I absolutely hated leaving you. The way you live your life in service to those most needing help lifts my heart and soul!! I truly love you for that and thinking of your kindnesses helps me keep hope in this world.

For Diane and Tat and Roxie, if you go to the Stepping out of Squalor site and go to the General Board you'll see a thread called Do You Have a Trauma Corner That You Just Can't Face? by Warrior Kimmy. Many years ago Kimmy pulled herself out of extreme squalor. Her responses on that thread come from knowing how it can be suicidally depressing to live as a hoarder. So her responses now as she shares her struggles (yes, even now after 13 years) to keep clutter under control and help others with heavy issues are SO compassionate I have felt loved like a child being held and comforted and encouraged by a sweet mother.

The wonderful thing about that site also is that there are all kinds of people there from all over the world. People who live in mansions, condos, townhouses, trailers, farmhouses, rental apartments, young, old, married with children, or never married with no children. So there is no need to ever feel *out of place*. There is no meanness there because there is no jealousy or jostling for positions or one-upmanship. Everyone there is involved because they want to receive and give help. There are moderators (a group so there is no dictatorship) who would remove any inflammatory posts and if necessary ban a repeat offender. You can edit or delete your posts or ask a moderator to do it for you. The mods are also people who have spent well over a decade improving their lives. You can send PM's (private messages) so you can talk with someone without having to exchange emails. There are lots of fun areas to go to for posting tada's and an area called By-Ways for posting about off topic stuff. I think there is a 24/7 chat for world users but I've never been in it.

Anyway would I have stayed here? I think so. But it got to the point (3 different times) in the past two years that I posted, that I went to bed and woke up for days on end thinking and fretting about how I had offended Tillie and how I could make it better. Twice I took some time off, the third time was my good-bye.

That's not really Tillie's fault. I gave her power over me that I shouldn't have. I depended too much on her approval and being in her good graces. The whole situation reminded me of other times I had done the same thing ~ let someone else's opinions of me affect my peace of mind to the point where I became more depressed.

I am still in the process of learning to be discerning. When I am wrong, admit it and apologize. When someone apologizes to me, accept it graciously without making the person feel further discomfort. I think I have that down. What I need to discern now is when I have apologized to stop groveling and continue feeling not good enough because someone refuses to accept those apologies. To let myself off the hook by saying, ok it now becomes that person's issue. Maybe life still needs to teach Tillie about not holding grudges, or being passive-aggressive or continuing to inflict pain when she has been asked not to. Maybe she has experienced so much pain in her life she hasn't been able to let it go and feel compassion. I can't presume to get inside her head; I can only try to put myself in her position and imagine what life feels from her perspective. I do need to thank her and the universe for giving me the same lesson I have needed to learn over and over ~ never give an unworthy person power over my spirit.

None of this is said with any sarcasm or intentional meanness. I still wish Tillie and everyone here all the best with special wishes for improving lives and making heartfelt connections with friends.